"I have to get out," Joseph said. I'd add something like his eyes still being unfocused, or maybe as if he didn't hear Colin... it'd tie his previous line and his next one together.
He supposed if he could see the shade when Joseph couldn't, Joseph might see something in his own eyes that he wasn't aware of. 'He supposed if he could see the shade when Joseph couldn't, it might be possible that Joseph could see something in his own eyes that he wasn't aware of.'
"You make yourself useful," Joseph said. "And you have Satan's own luck." I got what he was talking about after a read-through or two, but it seemed like he was talking about something different than Colin was on the next line. Perhaps if you spell it out a little more, have Joseph note that Colin should have been hurt more...?
One of the Darkman's riders was standing in the room, in a parody of the guard's posture, chest puffed out and hands clasped behind his back. A bolt went through my gut when I read this. Oh god.
It looked like this gnawed at him, and it had gnawed at Colin too: 'It looked like this had been gnawing at him' reads better.
"Would I go to someone else?" Gutierrez asked. "He said it's got mojo. Besides, it's a big party," he added, rolling his sleeve back down. It's as likely as not, but did I miss something where this tattoo played a part in the climax? If it's just a general Tattoo of +2 Mojo, I think that needs to be said.
Well, Noel says he don't, don't nobody else talk about them. But he saw Guye's soldier on the roof before...?
"You ever exorcise a whole prison before?" he asked Gutierrez, as he dealt a hand. I think it's worth adding 'in the faint light' or some other nod to it being after lights-out, if not here than somewhere.
"I saw one, once," Laney said. Both men looked at him. Feels like it needs some reaction from Laney. 'Both men looked at him, and he shrugged, a little defensively.' or something.
holding it inside the hollow where the drawer had been. I'm not sure about the physics of this. If this is a regular desk drawer, the back and sides should be high enough that you can't see past them and into the hollow, even when all the way open, let alone reach in. Later he 'replaces the drawer', which means that you have to show his actually removing it here.
He avoided the cellblock doors when he could, hurrying along exterior hallways in the direction of the muster yard. It took a bit to realize this was a now action, and not a general description of his irrational fear re: the prison. Something like 'He moved through the darkened prison, avoiding the cellblock...' etc might help.
and some of the blocks had to be plunged into deep darkness. Odd phrasing... 'must have been' sounds better; mushing it in my head, I'm partial toward, 'and he could imagine that some of the blocks had been plunged into complete darkness.'
In the dark, and knowing what he now knew about Railburg, Joseph wondered. It's a little too calm for the situation. Maybe: 'Joseph recalled the murmurs and wondered, fear creeping through him.'
Including the block doors to the Seg cells. I'm not really into this sentence but I'm not sure what to suggest in its stead D:
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Date: 2011-01-20 07:38 am (UTC)I'd add something like his eyes still being unfocused, or maybe as if he didn't hear Colin... it'd tie his previous line and his next one together.
He supposed if he could see the shade when Joseph couldn't, Joseph might see something in his own eyes that he wasn't aware of.
'He supposed if he could see the shade when Joseph couldn't, it might be possible that Joseph could see something in his own eyes that he wasn't aware of.'
"You make yourself useful," Joseph said. "And you have Satan's own luck."
I got what he was talking about after a read-through or two, but it seemed like he was talking about something different than Colin was on the next line. Perhaps if you spell it out a little more, have Joseph note that Colin should have been hurt more...?
One of the Darkman's riders was standing in the room, in a parody of the guard's posture, chest puffed out and hands clasped behind his back.
A bolt went through my gut when I read this. Oh god.
It looked like this gnawed at him, and it had gnawed at Colin too:
'It looked like this had been gnawing at him' reads better.
"Would I go to someone else?" Gutierrez asked. "He said it's got mojo. Besides, it's a big party," he added, rolling his sleeve back down.
It's as likely as not, but did I miss something where this tattoo played a part in the climax? If it's just a general Tattoo of +2 Mojo, I think that needs to be said.
Well, Noel says he don't, don't nobody else talk about them.
But he saw Guye's soldier on the roof before...?
"You ever exorcise a whole prison before?" he asked Gutierrez, as he dealt a hand.
I think it's worth adding 'in the faint light' or some other nod to it being after lights-out, if not here than somewhere.
"I saw one, once," Laney said. Both men looked at him.
Feels like it needs some reaction from Laney. 'Both men looked at him, and he shrugged, a little defensively.' or something.
holding it inside the hollow where the drawer had been.
I'm not sure about the physics of this. If this is a regular desk drawer, the back and sides should be high enough that you can't see past them and into the hollow, even when all the way open, let alone reach in. Later he 'replaces the drawer', which means that you have to show his actually removing it here.
He avoided the cellblock doors when he could, hurrying along exterior hallways in the direction of the muster yard.
It took a bit to realize this was a now action, and not a general description of his irrational fear re: the prison. Something like 'He moved through the darkened prison, avoiding the cellblock...' etc might help.
and some of the blocks had to be plunged into deep darkness.
Odd phrasing... 'must have been' sounds better; mushing it in my head, I'm partial toward, 'and he could imagine that some of the blocks had been plunged into complete darkness.'
In the dark, and knowing what he now knew about Railburg, Joseph wondered.
It's a little too calm for the situation. Maybe: 'Joseph recalled the murmurs and wondered, fear creeping through him.'
Including the block doors to the Seg cells.
I'm not really into this sentence but I'm not sure what to suggest in its stead D: