Hmm. I'm going to start with what I like: I like the general direction and feel of it. I like the conversation between Colin and the husband. I like Chapter 3 overall and I love the part with the egg.
The first half in particular of Chapter 1 doesn't scan right for me because it doesn't feel like how criminals talk, and if it's going to be what "they" said about Colin it should sound more like how "they" would talk. Yes there are all kinds of people in prison but prison is a society. I don't just say that from reading a metric ton of crime novels but because of the lifestyle/habitual criminals that I've known. Which is also why Colin's reaction to the pretty boy taunt from the Fraud detective doesn't work for me. And don't get me started on support systems for released prisoners.
Another nitpick of a technical variety is that I can't see someone who works as part of the legal system saying someone was "found innocent".
A lot of the conversation between Colin and Joseph in the diner and in the police station feels waaay too much like Neal and Peter.
I agree with sanura about the last sentence. But I LOVE the rest of the part with the egg.
Did I mention there was stuff I liked? I'm looking forward to the rest of it.
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Date: 2011-06-23 07:47 am (UTC)The first half in particular of Chapter 1 doesn't scan right for me because it doesn't feel like how criminals talk, and if it's going to be what "they" said about Colin it should sound more like how "they" would talk. Yes there are all kinds of people in prison but prison is a society. I don't just say that from reading a metric ton of crime novels but because of the lifestyle/habitual criminals that I've known. Which is also why Colin's reaction to the pretty boy taunt from the Fraud detective doesn't work for me. And don't get me started on support systems for released prisoners.
Another nitpick of a technical variety is that I can't see someone who works as part of the legal system saying someone was "found innocent".
A lot of the conversation between Colin and Joseph in the diner and in the police station feels waaay too much like Neal and Peter.
I agree with
Did I mention there was stuff I liked? I'm looking forward to the rest of it.