1. I don't get why Sarah felt that she could invite herself to a meeting between a Guy and the DA - I can suppose I'm supposed to infer that Guy knew that Sarah was potentially involved? But it feels, to me, as though she's inviting herself to a private meeting. She's skipping the may-I-come-along step because she knows the answer will be yes. But how does she know that it will be, and it won't be a join-us-later or meet-the-DA-yourself? Why does this Guy want Sarah as legal counsel? Wouldn't/shouldn't he have his own? This feels weird to me because it's never established that Guy and Sarah know each other, let alone if Guy knows Sarah exists. 2. Ian's double-speak is great. 3. Bo kind of seems like a very self-aware version of Union Arms here, especially with the reading comment. He's aware of how easily he could be/sound like a dick, and he is trying not to do that. 4. Bo has got to be suspicious, with all his double-speak. As Tanya keeps pointing out, he's not as dense as he appears. As Cee and Jon showed, he's definitely aware of his office. But this time I feel like he's simply trying not to know because he doesn't want to deal with it. Either that or he's known all along and is trying to answer as truthfully as he can. But I don't think he does? 5. Well dun Tanya passed word. But why would beating Sparks to the last word assuage her guilt? I'd think letting him win something would be better for easing that. 6. But... does this mean that everyone already knows? I don't think I like this scene addition personally, but it accomplishes the position of feeling like we, along with Tanya, are intruding with something. Also, I think I really just really liked the scene that this scene replaces, so I'm missing that. I miss seeing the moment between Sarah and Ian, and for me, the "leaning forward towards the legal rep, face serious and earnest" doesn't capture the same look. 7. "160k dollars" flows awkwardly if you read the "k" as "kay", like I do. It kind of took me out of the story and certainly out of Non's post. Why not "$160,000" or even "160 thousand dollars"? 8. You changed some things in the Ian-Tanya interaction that I can't quite put my finger on, but it flows much better and I really like the Wellsey-Stockdale bit now. Now I'm just mentally screaming at Tanya, and I think that's a good thing. 9. Part of me really wants to see Bo jump at the Gong, because I think this is the first time he has heard what it sounds like to a person who is not the one ringing it! 10. I still want to know how /long/ Sarah has known. 11. "You're Non Prophet?" Vicky gasped, turning to Anna. "You're my hero!" <-- First time I like the name Vicky! 12. Awww, poor Bocephelus. Poor guy. He was played hard and never realized it. 13. Two for Non "this morning" feels weird when you start off the chapter with "On Tuesday". Cause the day made me feel like time had passed, but apparently it didn't. And like I said, I don't usually notice time discrepancies. 14. Again, subtle changes in the end of this scene that I can't quite pinpoint (except for a few), but it works better. 15. Right before you had "Sparks said, returning to the table" I was wondering where Sparks was. I realized this is because you ended his action earlier ("settling on a college bowl game") as opposed to leaving him doing something else ("flip through the channels"). 16. Now I get why it's Erin and Sparks! I love knowing what Erin's job position is. Now I get it, this is why it's great that Erin dealt with Union Arms, because that's where her position is. 17. Continually sniggering over Worst Powerdate Ever. :)
Wow, a lot for this chapter. Guess there must have been a climax or something... ;)
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2. Ian's double-speak is great.
3. Bo kind of seems like a very self-aware version of Union Arms here, especially with the reading comment. He's aware of how easily he could be/sound like a dick, and he is trying not to do that.
4. Bo has got to be suspicious, with all his double-speak. As Tanya keeps pointing out, he's not as dense as he appears. As Cee and Jon showed, he's definitely aware of his office. But this time I feel like he's simply trying not to know because he doesn't want to deal with it. Either that or he's known all along and is trying to answer as truthfully as he can. But I don't think he does?
5. Well dun Tanya passed word. But why would beating Sparks to the last word assuage her guilt? I'd think letting him win something would be better for easing that.
6. But... does this mean that everyone already knows? I don't think I like this scene addition personally, but it accomplishes the position of feeling like we, along with Tanya, are intruding with something. Also, I think I really just really liked the scene that this scene replaces, so I'm missing that. I miss seeing the moment between Sarah and Ian, and for me, the "leaning forward towards the legal rep, face serious and earnest" doesn't capture the same look.
7. "160k dollars" flows awkwardly if you read the "k" as "kay", like I do. It kind of took me out of the story and certainly out of Non's post. Why not "$160,000" or even "160 thousand dollars"?
8. You changed some things in the Ian-Tanya interaction that I can't quite put my finger on, but it flows much better and I really like the Wellsey-Stockdale bit now. Now I'm just mentally screaming at Tanya, and I think that's a good thing.
9. Part of me really wants to see Bo jump at the Gong, because I think this is the first time he has heard what it sounds like to a person who is not the one ringing it!
10. I still want to know how /long/ Sarah has known.
11. "You're Non Prophet?" Vicky gasped, turning to Anna. "You're my hero!" <-- First time I like the name Vicky!
12. Awww, poor Bocephelus. Poor guy. He was played hard and never realized it.
13. Two for Non "this morning" feels weird when you start off the chapter with "On Tuesday". Cause the day made me feel like time had passed, but apparently it didn't. And like I said, I don't usually notice time discrepancies.
14. Again, subtle changes in the end of this scene that I can't quite pinpoint (except for a few), but it works better.
15. Right before you had "Sparks said, returning to the table" I was wondering where Sparks was. I realized this is because you ended his action earlier ("settling on a college bowl game") as opposed to leaving him doing something else ("flip through the channels").
16. Now I get why it's Erin and Sparks! I love knowing what Erin's job position is. Now I get it, this is why it's great that Erin dealt with Union Arms, because that's where her position is.
17. Continually sniggering over Worst Powerdate Ever. :)
Wow, a lot for this chapter. Guess there must have been a climax or something... ;)