Realisation: I can read this during rehearsal, but trying to read a prison story during a sorority event is not a good idea. Which is why this is late :)
- Good for Analise, I like how the bit with her reaction to being told she was being watched shows how level headed she can be. - Colin's name! I like it. I can't wait to see how it's used. - I like the part with Joseph and the baton and Colin's eyes. It fits very well. - Is Joseph's phone really good enough to take hi-res pictures in the dark that are clear enough to use for evidance in court? - Oh no, Joseph! Don't mess things up.
I recognize this point in the story from J&E - where the plan is in place and now it's ACTION! I don't have much to say because things are rolling along and the plot is carrying it. This also feels like a shorter chapter. But because I wanted to see so much what was going to happen and wasn't paying as much attention to what *was* happening, I'm now going to go re-read and note things down again.
- Is "discontented" the right word for Analise? It works but it sounds wrong. Also, I can't tell if "him" is to the Guard or Colin. I assumed Colin, but grammar wise it's the guard. - I understand what you mean about the shield, but I don't know if everyone will. However, I have a sneaking suspicion it's not fully explained so that when we see it later we go "Ohhhh!" - I like the vague mentions of what happened in Colin's first time through Railburg. It's just enough to keep me going, "Right, hard life before, this was tough, he's done time for real" and not enough to be overbearing. - The guards line, "Jesus, you guys are like cats" - is that supposed to reference Colin's nickname? In which case, is the emphasis on the "are"? - in Re: Colin's overnight guard - are his leg's still stuck? - I had to double check, but in chap.7 I remember thinking my ways through loopholes of the "don't touch Galano" promise.I feel like the prison promise carries more weight - that Colin isn't just obeying because he respects Joseph, but on some level he *can't*. Is this right? - The first three times I read the description of Gutierrez's Tattoo, I had to decide wether "doing time" meant it was written there or was what it meant. It's clear but it reads a little awkwardly to me - why Gutierrez shows him this "fairly common" tattoo after saying "I got a few ideas". - Just realized I never questioned how Noel has ink and needles in prison. Huh. - Had to double check what Colin mentioned with "he told me last night". You mean Leoni's murder, right? - I'm not sure how I feel about the exorcism bit, but I think I'm supposed to be a little unsettled, as they are. - The taking pictures with the phone really doesn't sit right with me. - is Joseph still on duty during this? - I feel like there should be a "but" or even "but now" or "here" - "about how Eric Galano couldn't be caught, how Joseph was the only guard who'd ever managed to touch him. *BUT* In the dark, and knowing what he now knew about Railburg, Joseph wondered." I'm reading this as a current realization, and you just said the lights were out. - Yay, cliffhanger!
So since I'm enjoying doing a tl;dr: Because i wanted to see what came next, I was happy just to read. You do the breaking of built up tension and the rush to the end nicely.
no subject
- Good for Analise, I like how the bit with her reaction to being told she was being watched shows how level headed she can be.
- Colin's name! I like it. I can't wait to see how it's used.
- I like the part with Joseph and the baton and Colin's eyes. It fits very well.
- Is Joseph's phone really good enough to take hi-res pictures in the dark that are clear enough to use for evidance in court?
- Oh no, Joseph! Don't mess things up.
I recognize this point in the story from J&E - where the plan is in place and now it's ACTION! I don't have much to say because things are rolling along and the plot is carrying it. This also feels like a shorter chapter. But because I wanted to see so much what was going to happen and wasn't paying as much attention to what *was* happening, I'm now going to go re-read and note things down again.
- Is "discontented" the right word for Analise? It works but it sounds wrong. Also, I can't tell if "him" is to the Guard or Colin. I assumed Colin, but grammar wise it's the guard.
- I understand what you mean about the shield, but I don't know if everyone will. However, I have a sneaking suspicion it's not fully explained so that when we see it later we go "Ohhhh!"
- I like the vague mentions of what happened in Colin's first time through Railburg. It's just enough to keep me going, "Right, hard life before, this was tough, he's done time for real" and not enough to be overbearing.
- The guards line, "Jesus, you guys are like cats" - is that supposed to reference Colin's nickname? In which case, is the emphasis on the "are"?
- in Re: Colin's overnight guard - are his leg's still stuck?
- I had to double check, but in chap.7 I remember thinking my ways through loopholes of the "don't touch Galano" promise.I feel like the prison promise carries more weight - that Colin isn't just obeying because he respects Joseph, but on some level he *can't*. Is this right?
- The first three times I read the description of Gutierrez's Tattoo, I had to decide wether "doing time" meant it was written there or was what it meant. It's clear but it reads a little awkwardly to me - why Gutierrez shows him this "fairly common" tattoo after saying "I got a few ideas".
- Just realized I never questioned how Noel has ink and needles in prison. Huh.
- Had to double check what Colin mentioned with "he told me last night". You mean Leoni's murder, right?
- I'm not sure how I feel about the exorcism bit, but I think I'm supposed to be a little unsettled, as they are.
- The taking pictures with the phone really doesn't sit right with me.
- is Joseph still on duty during this?
- I feel like there should be a "but" or even "but now" or "here" - "about how Eric Galano couldn't be caught, how Joseph was the only guard who'd ever managed to touch him. *BUT* In the dark, and knowing what he now knew about Railburg, Joseph wondered." I'm reading this as a current realization, and you just said the lights were out.
- Yay, cliffhanger!
So since I'm enjoying doing a tl;dr: Because i wanted to see what came next, I was happy just to read. You do the breaking of built up tension and the rush to the end nicely.