The differences in how Joseph and Analise live versus how Colin lives is set up really nicely, and shows their contrasts really well. Particularly the ‘moved carefully inside of it’ part.
Regarding the gun, it’s probably fine as is but whenever I’m unloading a gun, I take out the clip first before checking the chamber. (I still want to try the bullet in the balloon, speaking of people who are taking magic lessons from a fictional felon, as someone mentioned above…)
Chapter 5:
I love, love, LOVE the Darkman mythology you put in here. You really took that Myths over Miami article and ran with it before the alarms went off, didn’t you? :P
You have all these tiny hints about the world overlaying (or perhaps underlying?) the physical one; Natell being a keeper of lore, Colin hearing the stories adults aren’t supposed to hear…it comes through ridiculously well. And woven into real events like 9/11…seriously, it’s really cool. I can sort of see what you’re trying to do with the last sentence-“she wasn’t there now, at least”-but I think it flows better if it’s just, “but she wasn’t there anymore”. I guess it depends on how you want the cadence to flow. Trace as a whole really sounds spoken to me. It would make a fantastic audiobook, I think.
Chapter 6:
I love how Colin does good, in his small way. I think his small actions about lying to a drug lord about her husband’s dance lessons, doing a tiny right in a world of wrongs, speak more to how prison changed him even than his relationship with Joseph and Analise.
The woman is so subtly slipped in; it’s really working. I like how you’re just incorporating her naturally into the action, it fits extremely well.
no subject
The differences in how Joseph and Analise live versus how Colin lives is set up really nicely, and shows their contrasts really well. Particularly the ‘moved carefully inside of it’ part.
Regarding the gun, it’s probably fine as is but whenever I’m unloading a gun, I take out the clip first before checking the chamber. (I still want to try the bullet in the balloon, speaking of people who are taking magic lessons from a fictional felon, as someone mentioned above…)
Chapter 5:
I love, love, LOVE the Darkman mythology you put in here. You really took that Myths over Miami article and ran with it before the alarms went off, didn’t you? :P
You have all these tiny hints about the world overlaying (or perhaps underlying?) the physical one; Natell being a keeper of lore, Colin hearing the stories adults aren’t supposed to hear…it comes through ridiculously well. And woven into real events like 9/11…seriously, it’s really cool.
I can sort of see what you’re trying to do with the last sentence-“she wasn’t there now, at least”-but I think it flows better if it’s just, “but she wasn’t there anymore”. I guess it depends on how you want the cadence to flow. Trace as a whole really sounds spoken to me. It would make a fantastic audiobook, I think.
Chapter 6:
I love how Colin does good, in his small way. I think his small actions about lying to a drug lord about her husband’s dance lessons, doing a tiny right in a world of wrongs, speak more to how prison changed him even than his relationship with Joseph and Analise.
The woman is so subtly slipped in; it’s really working. I like how you’re just incorporating her naturally into the action, it fits extremely well.