Continued because my thoughts are too long for lj ...
"He was bareheaded and wearing the dark coat of a University student" - not sure of this emphasis on his dull clothes coming so soon after the comment about Clare's dress, seem to be making the point twice?
"He shuddered and kept walking." - Why wouldn't he keep walking? Seemed unnecessary to state.
"Oh no! You know me," he said, distressed. "I like things to be orderly. Well, to a point. You need a little mess to get things done, but all this mess..." he finished the raspberry and took a bite of chocolate, "is too much mess. It isn't sensible." Jack's character seems to have changed a lot from the last draft we read, unless I'm just remembering it badly, it's been a while. Not necessarily a bad thing, just this bit jarred a little with my idea of him. He comes across as fastidious and a little theatrical here, I think it's the "Oh no!"
"I applaud the sentiment, though it seems...angry, to me." - You do this a lot, use ellipses to show someone searching for a word. Not sure if you should do it less to make it more effective when you use it. For example, further down where Ellis says "This is...pure geegawism" I don't feel like he would need to search for the phrase, it seems like a thought he would already have had if he spends so much time there. If that makes sense?
T"hey interest me immensely, being a great fiddler-about myself, though not usually with machines" - I love the phrase fiddler-about here, although Ellis could come off a little sinister :P
"The east is a rich mine of information." - not 100% sure, but I think East should be capitalised here? That and West throughout the rest of the conversation.
"Your young friend's got bored with us" - I would probably say is bored with us, not has got, has got is an americanism I think. And Ellis is English enough for Clare to pick up on it straight away, although he is well-travelled etc so it would make sense for him to have picked up americanisms. But it jarred with me a bit.
I love that Jack takes a portable wrench with him everywhere to fix things he breaks. Awesome.
"I'm not going to kiss her," Jack said, scowling at the Porter. "Well..." He bent and kissed Clare on the forehead, chucking her under the chin. Awwwww :)
I love the whole conversation between Ellis and ... I'm going to call him his mysterious benefactor, since you don't give him a name and getting to use the term mysterious benefactor is always a thrill.
"The great front gates of Harvard University opened on Tuesday morning with the kind of well-oiled softness that came from loving care of expert engineers" - came from the loving care of engineers?
"The bolts slid back silently and the wheels turned in their grooves to throw wide the surprisingly delicate wrought-iron doors that students past and present had often dared each other to climb without being caught. " - This is kind of a mouthful to read ... do you need surprisingly delicate? I wondered about it's significance.
"I don't speak Italian," Jack said, feeling as if this was probably not as relevant as it sounded. - Bless his little cotton socks.
"Jack and Clare were both used to the smell of oil and scorched metal in Jack's room, but as soon as Graveworthy entered Jack went to the windows, throwing them open and waving a spare grease-rag to try and clear the air a little." I wondered why the "as soon as Graveworthy entered"? Makes it sound like he didn't arrive with them, which I'm assuming he did. I think we'd understand Jack was doing it for Graveworthy without it.
I had less to say about the end of the chapter, which is possibly because I slipped out of critique mind and into reading mind as I got caught up in the story - I love the whole bit in Jack's room though. I wondered a little about the arbitrariness of the ten days leave, is this something that was tradition at uni in those times? Sorry about the epically long critique, and being late to the party - I knew it would take me a while to comment. I shall attempt to catch up now!
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"He was bareheaded and wearing the dark coat of a University student" - not sure of this emphasis on his dull clothes coming so soon after the comment about Clare's dress, seem to be making the point twice?
"He shuddered and kept walking." - Why wouldn't he keep walking? Seemed unnecessary to state.
"Oh no! You know me," he said, distressed. "I like things to be orderly. Well, to a point. You need a little mess to get things done, but all this mess..." he finished the raspberry and took a bite of chocolate, "is too much mess. It isn't sensible."
Jack's character seems to have changed a lot from the last draft we read, unless I'm just remembering it badly, it's been a while. Not necessarily a bad thing, just this bit jarred a little with my idea of him. He comes across as fastidious and a little theatrical here, I think it's the "Oh no!"
"I applaud the sentiment, though it seems...angry, to me." - You do this a lot, use ellipses to show someone searching for a word. Not sure if you should do it less to make it more effective when you use it. For example, further down where Ellis says "This is...pure geegawism" I don't feel like he would need to search for the phrase, it seems like a thought he would already have had if he spends so much time there. If that makes sense?
T"hey interest me immensely, being a great fiddler-about myself, though not usually with machines" - I love the phrase fiddler-about here, although Ellis could come off a little sinister :P
"The east is a rich mine of information." - not 100% sure, but I think East should be capitalised here? That and West throughout the rest of the conversation.
"Your young friend's got bored with us" - I would probably say is bored with us, not has got, has got is an americanism I think. And Ellis is English enough for Clare to pick up on it straight away, although he is well-travelled etc so it would make sense for him to have picked up americanisms. But it jarred with me a bit.
I love that Jack takes a portable wrench with him everywhere to fix things he breaks. Awesome.
"I'm not going to kiss her," Jack said, scowling at the Porter. "Well..."
He bent and kissed Clare on the forehead, chucking her under the chin.
Awwwww :)
I love the whole conversation between Ellis and ... I'm going to call him his mysterious benefactor, since you don't give him a name and getting to use the term mysterious benefactor is always a thrill.
"The great front gates of Harvard University opened on Tuesday morning with the kind of well-oiled softness that came from loving care of expert engineers" - came from the loving care of engineers?
"The bolts slid back silently and the wheels turned in their grooves to throw wide the surprisingly delicate wrought-iron doors that students past and present had often dared each other to climb without being caught. " - This is kind of a mouthful to read ... do you need surprisingly delicate? I wondered about it's significance.
"I don't speak Italian," Jack said, feeling as if this was probably not as relevant as it sounded. - Bless his little cotton socks.
"Jack and Clare were both used to the smell of oil and scorched metal in Jack's room, but as soon as Graveworthy entered Jack went to the windows, throwing them open and waving a spare grease-rag to try and clear the air a little."
I wondered why the "as soon as Graveworthy entered"? Makes it sound like he didn't arrive with them, which I'm assuming he did. I think we'd understand Jack was doing it for Graveworthy without it.
I had less to say about the end of the chapter, which is possibly because I slipped out of critique mind and into reading mind as I got caught up in the story - I love the whole bit in Jack's room though.
I wondered a little about the arbitrariness of the ten days leave, is this something that was tradition at uni in those times?
Sorry about the epically long critique, and being late to the party - I knew it would take me a while to comment. I shall attempt to catch up now!