I'm so glad you like the recruitment scene. To me it doesn't particularly stand out from the rest of my work, but it does have a certain gut-punch impact that I'm proud of.

Augh, commas :D The second one I agree with, but the first one I think I'm going to leave, because "young" here isn't so much a modifier of woman; "young woman" is the full noun.

With the shrugged -- that's an odd one because it depends. If you describe someone acting after speech, it's a stop; if you describe them as talking, it's a comma. Shrugged is technically an action, but it seems in literature to have become a sort of way of speaking. At any rate, that one I will change too, because I like it better with a comma anyway :D