I love your in-universe Pinocchio adaptation, and the language with which you tell it, and I'd watch that over Disney's version any day. I don't want any of that to be diminished by what I'm about to share, but I have to disclose that all the way through reading it I was thinking of this:
On a more serious note, though, Chapter 2 gave me the impression this show was going to be a vague construct for the purposes of showing off fashion, and yet here it is a family pantomime with a tearjerker ending, and no mention of fashion (or indeed of ladies) at all. If it was about the audience being fashionable and the play being something else, you should have said ... it just feels like a continuity error from here.
This may be a persnickety animator talking (lo! it is!) but if a marionette is usually made of something rigid like wood, if it were 'flopping about' it wouldn't be 'bonelessly' on account of the material being nothing but 'bone,' at least descriptively. Maybe a simile instead? 'Like a landed fish,' or something more original... I feel kind of bad even for bringing this up because it is so persnickety, but it made an alarm go off in my head, and I am but a humble servant to the head-alarms.
"He doesn't get why he should change the way things are." Jack shrugged. "But you do," Ellis said, stepping carefully around a heap of manure slowly freezing in the street.
Caught it. Love it.
She lifted another page ... studying the pencil-sketches on it.
Is this a subtle way of saying 'Jack has finally found something important enough he'll need to correct his plans' or is it an inconsistency? I'd like to think the former but I just want to make sure ...
An entire pile of papers was soaking up the spilled ink
And no one is concerned that all this work is liable to be obliterated by the ink? Is it ... clear ink? Maybe he could have knocked over a mug of tea instead? Tea-stained invention plans are sexy; ink-stained ones are useless.
Ooh this is very exciting! I don't remember this incident from before – is it new?
"... occasionally in my travels I do Her Majesty some small service, for which I am vastly underpaid..."
LOL – I love that he even thinks of a quip like this in such a serious situation.
"Because you couldn't fuck yourself to protect him!"
I am not against the idea of Clare swearing, because I completely believe she would, but this phraseology is just so weird. 'Couldn't be fucked' sounds a bit more idiomatic ... though I wonder if going straight for the F-bomb here is rather playing your ace too capriciously. 'Couldn't be damned' is still perfectly reasonable in the circumstances, and gives you a chance to crescendo to full fuckdom when things get really dire.
I mean, they are dire here, they just very nearly got killed, but ... structurally. . . . . . . . . . . .
Please tell me if my notes are way too many and too long – I will try to self-edit. I am working on the philosophy, now, of just throwing you everything that comes to mind and letting you sort out what is valid and what is nonsense, but you're a busy guy and I'm sure I could manage to be slightly less persnickety if I put my mind to it.
no subject
On a more serious note, though, Chapter 2 gave me the impression this show was going to be a vague construct for the purposes of showing off fashion, and yet here it is a family pantomime with a tearjerker ending, and no mention of fashion (or indeed of ladies) at all. If it was about the audience being fashionable and the play being something else, you should have said ... it just feels like a continuity error from here.
This may be a persnickety animator talking (lo! it is!) but if a marionette is usually made of something rigid like wood, if it were 'flopping about' it wouldn't be 'bonelessly' on account of the material being nothing but 'bone,' at least descriptively. Maybe a simile instead? 'Like a landed fish,' or something more original... I feel kind of bad even for bringing this up because it is so persnickety, but it made an alarm go off in my head, and I am but a humble servant to the head-alarms.
"He doesn't get why he should change the way things are." Jack shrugged.
"But you do," Ellis said, stepping carefully around a heap of manure slowly freezing in the street.
Caught it. Love it.
She lifted another page ... studying the pencil-sketches on it.
Is this a subtle way of saying 'Jack has finally found something important enough he'll need to correct his plans' or is it an inconsistency? I'd like to think the former but I just want to make sure ...
An entire pile of papers was soaking up the spilled ink
And no one is concerned that all this work is liable to be obliterated by the ink? Is it ... clear ink? Maybe he could have knocked over a mug of tea instead? Tea-stained invention plans are sexy; ink-stained ones are useless.
Ooh this is very exciting! I don't remember this incident from before – is it new?
"... occasionally in my travels I do Her Majesty some small service, for which I am vastly underpaid..."
LOL – I love that he even thinks of a quip like this in such a serious situation.
"Because you couldn't fuck yourself to protect him!"
I am not against the idea of Clare swearing, because I completely believe she would, but this phraseology is just so weird. 'Couldn't be fucked' sounds a bit more idiomatic ... though I wonder if going straight for the F-bomb here is rather playing your ace too capriciously. 'Couldn't be damned' is still perfectly reasonable in the circumstances, and gives you a chance to crescendo to full fuckdom when things get really dire.
I mean, they are dire here, they just very nearly got killed, but ... structurally.
. . . . . . . . . . .
Please tell me if my notes are way too many and too long – I will try to self-edit. I am working on the philosophy, now, of just throwing you everything that comes to mind and letting you sort out what is valid and what is nonsense, but you're a busy guy and I'm sure I could manage to be slightly less persnickety if I put my mind to it.