Reading Notes: - So Jack reprimanded Clare for Creating money for his workshop but happily steals an apple? - I love how one of Clare's primary thoughts is making friends. - Puppy!!! - "She was still doing up the buttons on the sleeves" --> Her sleeves? The sleeves of her jacket? - This is the second time you've referenced a purple dress. Clare was wearing one the first time we met her. - Ellis was not used to hosting social gatherings in his own home, and by evening he was exhausted; seeing that Anderson had taken Jack off to speak with him about maritime engineering and Herr Blauberg was succumbing to Annie Masters' charms for the moment, he crept out onto the back walk of the house, in a sheltered porch in one corner." --> That's very long. Why did you want to use the semicolon and not just two sentances? - I quite enjoy dialogue between Anderson and Ellis. -"Something about her's not quite right," Anderson said. --> Woooo yeah Anderson! - "disentangling Anderson's hand from his collar" --> How exactly does one's hand get tangled in a collar? - Potting trays sound very shallow... How would these be worktables? Do you mean trays more like upright planters? - I love how all the Austrailia revelation makes Jack is annoyed. That sentance was constructed exceedingly poorly, I apologize. - This section is nice. I like how they comment on the danger and Clare gets 'kidnapped' again - Jules Verne? Nice touch. - Did Ellis not give the clerk the typewriter in this version?
End Thoughts: - The bladders section feels rushed. It's a huge moment of importance. It almost feels like that one brief moment is slow, and then it's RUSHRUSHRUSH. I get it, but it feels like we don't have time to digest the importance of the bladders before Jack is off and running again. - This really is going nicely though. I do enjoy it immensely.
Comments on the Comments: - Agreed on the timeline of the ship. - Possible description help from Costume Archives: The Canadian Museum of Civilization has put online a collection of Canadian mail order catalogs that span the years from 1880 to 1975. Useful for costume inspiration and for dating photographs. Access to the catalogs is free. http://www.civilization.ca/cmc/exhibitions/cpm/catalog/cat0000e.shtml - Erstwhile also threw me but I shrugged it off. - Oh, I misread the "genius in the now" line and didn't register "in the". Agreed about the rythm, however I can also see Ellis delicately saying 'in the now'
no subject
Reading Notes:
- So Jack reprimanded Clare for Creating money for his workshop but happily steals an apple?
- I love how one of Clare's primary thoughts is making friends.
- Puppy!!!
- "She was still doing up the buttons on the sleeves" --> Her sleeves? The sleeves of her jacket?
- This is the second time you've referenced a purple dress. Clare was wearing one the first time we met her.
- Ellis was not used to hosting social gatherings in his own home, and by evening he was exhausted; seeing that Anderson had taken Jack off to speak with him about maritime engineering and Herr Blauberg was succumbing to Annie Masters' charms for the moment, he crept out onto the back walk of the house, in a sheltered porch in one corner." --> That's very long. Why did you want to use the semicolon and not just two sentances?
- I quite enjoy dialogue between Anderson and Ellis.
-"Something about her's not quite right," Anderson said. --> Woooo yeah Anderson!
- "disentangling Anderson's hand from his collar" --> How exactly does one's hand get tangled in a collar?
- Potting trays sound very shallow... How would these be worktables? Do you mean trays more like upright planters?
- I love how all the Austrailia revelation makes Jack is annoyed. That sentance was constructed exceedingly poorly, I apologize.
- This section is nice. I like how they comment on the danger and Clare gets 'kidnapped' again
- Jules Verne? Nice touch.
- Did Ellis not give the clerk the typewriter in this version?
End Thoughts:
- The bladders section feels rushed. It's a huge moment of importance. It almost feels like that one brief moment is slow, and then it's RUSHRUSHRUSH. I get it, but it feels like we don't have time to digest the importance of the bladders before Jack is off and running again.
- This really is going nicely though. I do enjoy it immensely.
Comments on the Comments:
- Agreed on the timeline of the ship.
- Possible description help from Costume Archives: The Canadian Museum of Civilization has put online a collection of Canadian mail order catalogs that span the years from 1880 to 1975. Useful for costume inspiration and for dating photographs. Access to the catalogs is free. http://www.civilization.ca/cmc/exhibitions/cpm/catalog/cat0000e.shtml
- Erstwhile also threw me but I shrugged it off.
- Oh, I misread the "genius in the now" line and didn't register "in the". Agreed about the rythm, however I can also see Ellis delicately saying 'in the now'