I agree with everyone who said that the character introductions were clearer this time. And I agree with whoever said that Sarah was the least clear, although I didn't find her particularly problematic.
On the other hand, I think that this chapter is still not as smooth as your writing usually is. Mostly it's just the very beginning feels a little... off. I wish I could think of specifics for you. The liveblogging is fine, I think. I dunno, I found the
Everything seemed perfect. At least, until her boss said one word to her:
line was more awkward here than as an opening line, maybe?
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Date: 2010-10-01 08:07 pm (UTC)On the other hand, I think that this chapter is still not as smooth as your writing usually is. Mostly it's just the very beginning feels a little... off. I wish I could think of specifics for you. The liveblogging is fine, I think.
I dunno, I found the
Everything seemed perfect.
At least, until her boss said one word to her:
line was more awkward here than as an opening line, maybe?