Okay! I'm here! I'm going to be a /good/ little reader and actually post what I think this time around! But I'm not sure what will help, so I'll just share everything? Uh oh. :) I also read (at least the beginning of) this chapter three times before I'm posting this. Why? To savor the new material. Tell me if there's a deadline or something I need to get it through by.
First off, hey blog post! I like starting out with that. It's nice to know what Non posted when they get to it. We're in the know.
Okay Sam, you KNOW I love this story (I hope you do at least!) and I have, honestly, read it through probably eight or nine times. And I never realized until I read this chapter that:
A. I didn't know what Roxy looked like. 2. I never actually realized what Roxy did - I just knew she had some computer stuff. C. Wait, Erin is second-in-command? THAT's what the company hierarchy is? Ohhhh.... D. Oh now THAT's what Sparks looks like? Now all of a sudden I have an extremely clear image. Not sure why, but well done. Also I love the usage of "glitterati". E. Ditto for Tanya.
Other comments: 1. You use the word "pre-dinner reception" twice very close to each other. If I was editing this with a pen, I'd draw two circles around the phrase and connect them. Perhaps "the room" or "the people" could be a substitute? "The masses of people, ever so reminiscent of wildebeest on an African plain"? 2. What does Ian's tie look like? I know this is tiny, but Roxy commented on it! 3. I'm still a little fuzzy on Anna's job. I thought she was something legal, but I'm still unsure?... SV can't just have a full time speech writer, right? 3a. I actually laughed out loud at the intern/person line. 4. Oh look, a last name! 5. I really like the mention of Zoe with the phone call and then the description of what she does when Roxy is with Union Arms. I think it makes her appearance at the end much more natural. 6. I like how you're establishing Union Arms as obnoxious this early on. 7. I miss John, I'm glad he's not here (confusing!), and I'm looking forward to the explanation of his absence. But I'm glad you kept the flask. 8. Love the "Did you write that?" paragraph. Love the description of Anna and Union Arm's interest already. 9. Okay this is probably the most petty comment I'll make this entire novel. BUT. If they are at the back of the room, how can the spotlight hit them? THINK ABOUT IT SAM, YOU WERE IN THEATRE. If you want them in a corner, theoretically the spot could hit them. BUT. If SV is on a budget, can they really afford that spotlight? One doesn't think hotels usually come with a lighting rig. Okay I'm done now. Actually, no, quick other point. A hotel has a stage curtain? I had always pictured Anna and Sarah behind a window curtain. Are we in a conference center or a hotel? I can't believe I'm being this petty. BUT IT'S THE MAGICAL SPOTLIGHT! Everyone has pet peeves, mine is the magical spotlight. See: the first 13 seconds of this Glee clip: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zsNJJIMwAB0 -- If you believe that they had made the decision to do this song 30 minutes prior, how did they get a spotlight set up FOH??? HOW, I ask you?! The only thing I got is they programmed one of their VL fixtures (which, again, they have despite budget cuts being a theme of the show!?) and used the FOH spot for onstage. It's shocking I still watch this show. Seriously. But okay, back to CG. Yeah, where'd that light come from? You also never mention Sparks in the light.
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Date: 2010-10-04 05:19 am (UTC)First off, hey blog post! I like starting out with that. It's nice to know what Non posted when they get to it. We're in the know.
Okay Sam, you KNOW I love this story (I hope you do at least!) and I have, honestly, read it through probably eight or nine times. And I never realized until I read this chapter that:
A. I didn't know what Roxy looked like.
2. I never actually realized what Roxy did - I just knew she had some computer stuff.
C. Wait, Erin is second-in-command? THAT's what the company hierarchy is? Ohhhh....
D. Oh now THAT's what Sparks looks like? Now all of a sudden I have an extremely clear image. Not sure why, but well done. Also I love the usage of "glitterati".
E. Ditto for Tanya.
Other comments:
1. You use the word "pre-dinner reception" twice very close to each other. If I was editing this with a pen, I'd draw two circles around the phrase and connect them. Perhaps "the room" or "the people" could be a substitute? "The masses of people, ever so reminiscent of wildebeest on an African plain"?
2. What does Ian's tie look like? I know this is tiny, but Roxy commented on it!
3. I'm still a little fuzzy on Anna's job. I thought she was something legal, but I'm still unsure?... SV can't just have a full time speech writer, right?
3a. I actually laughed out loud at the intern/person line.
4. Oh look, a last name!
5. I really like the mention of Zoe with the phone call and then the description of what she does when Roxy is with Union Arms. I think it makes her appearance at the end much more natural.
6. I like how you're establishing Union Arms as obnoxious this early on.
7. I miss John, I'm glad he's not here (confusing!), and I'm looking forward to the explanation of his absence. But I'm glad you kept the flask.
8. Love the "Did you write that?" paragraph. Love the description of Anna and Union Arm's interest already.
9. Okay this is probably the most petty comment I'll make this entire novel. BUT. If they are at the back of the room, how can the spotlight hit them? THINK ABOUT IT SAM, YOU WERE IN THEATRE. If you want them in a corner, theoretically the spot could hit them. BUT. If SV is on a budget, can they really afford that spotlight? One doesn't think hotels usually come with a lighting rig. Okay I'm done now. Actually, no, quick other point. A hotel has a stage curtain? I had always pictured Anna and Sarah behind a window curtain. Are we in a conference center or a hotel? I can't believe I'm being this petty. BUT IT'S THE MAGICAL SPOTLIGHT! Everyone has pet peeves, mine is the magical spotlight. See: the first 13 seconds of this Glee clip: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zsNJJIMwAB0 -- If you believe that they had made the decision to do this song 30 minutes prior, how did they get a spotlight set up FOH??? HOW, I ask you?! The only thing I got is they programmed one of their VL fixtures (which, again, they have despite budget cuts being a theme of the show!?) and used the FOH spot for onstage. It's shocking I still watch this show. Seriously. But okay, back to CG. Yeah, where'd that light come from? You also never mention Sparks in the light.
Yay!