1. Hah, my boss goes to those arts council meetings. 2. Mainly unchanged couch scene, but I like the small changes (Intern Treatment) and the fact that it's Movie Night not Game Night. I think. Out of curiosity, why the change? 3. Oh, didn't realize the NYT was involved. Nice. 4. "A very long evening suddenly loomed large in front of Erin, and she cursed her innate desire to share horrible gossip the minute she came across it." love it :) 5. I love that Zoe has condemnation art. It just makes me chuckle. 6. Meh about the peroxide blonde, love the manager. 7. Why did you change the format of the 1. Sockpuppet, 2. Astroturfing, 3. Wank, none of which mean what you think it means? I think that after the second paragraph it works better, but the "Does everyone know" paragraph feels weird to me. Maybe a little condescending? I'm not sure. I don't know if that's how Non is supposed to sound or not, yet, I guess. It does make him sound bigger and more important, but less relatable. IMO. 8. I feel almost as though you burried what will become the more important headline: that Non thinks it's okay to justifiably "out" people. I nearly skipped it the first time. I feel like this should be a mini-climax, because Non is Laying Down his POV on what he /knows/ will be a debate, and it's starting to feel like What Non Says Goes.
(I hope my numbering system is okay - if I don't write as I read, I tend to forget a lot of things! So I guess my notes are more detail-picky than overall. Is that okay?)
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Date: 2010-10-11 05:08 am (UTC)2. Mainly unchanged couch scene, but I like the small changes (Intern Treatment) and the fact that it's Movie Night not Game Night. I think. Out of curiosity, why the change?
3. Oh, didn't realize the NYT was involved. Nice.
4. "A very long evening suddenly loomed large in front of Erin, and she cursed her innate desire to share horrible gossip the minute she came across it." love it :)
5. I love that Zoe has condemnation art. It just makes me chuckle.
6. Meh about the peroxide blonde, love the manager.
7. Why did you change the format of the 1. Sockpuppet, 2. Astroturfing, 3. Wank, none of which mean what you think it means? I think that after the second paragraph it works better, but the "Does everyone know" paragraph feels weird to me. Maybe a little condescending? I'm not sure. I don't know if that's how Non is supposed to sound or not, yet, I guess. It does make him sound bigger and more important, but less relatable. IMO.
8. I feel almost as though you burried what will become the more important headline: that Non thinks it's okay to justifiably "out" people. I nearly skipped it the first time. I feel like this should be a mini-climax, because Non is Laying Down his POV on what he /knows/ will be a debate, and it's starting to feel like What Non Says Goes.
(I hope my numbering system is okay - if I don't write as I read, I tend to forget a lot of things! So I guess my notes are more detail-picky than overall. Is that okay?)