INDEX POST: Trace

[copperbadge.livejournal.com]

Trace

Colin Byrne is a con man, an artist, an unlicensed private detective, and an occasional consultant for the police. He's also an ex-felon, an initiate into the unspoken, unseen magic that only prisoners know: how to disappear, how to tell fortunes and steal souls. Now the man who put him in prison, NYPD detective Joseph Wright, wants him to return to Railburg State Correctional Facility to help investigate a case.

Some things at Railburg haven't changed. His friend Gutierrez still talks to God, and Colin's protege Noel is still the best ink artist in the prison; the Aryans are still assholes, and the gangs are still the ones with all the power. But some things are different -- like Laney, a Blood who can see demons, and Colin's old enemy Galano, who is slowly poisoning Railburg's food. With Galano aiming to incite a riot and the Aryan Brotherhood constantly harassing Laney, Colin has bigger problems than the one he went to Railburg to solve.

Until Joseph arrives, undercover as a guard, and Colin discovers Joseph might now be just as dangerous as anything else he's encountered...

Trace, as with all of my original fiction, is offered free in first-draft form for your reading pleasure and your critique. I welcome and encourage constructive criticism on all aspects of the book, from spelling and grammar errors to characterization, structure, and plot.

I encourage everyone to tell me what they think of the story as it progresses. With Trace, because of its origins, I'm especially hoping people who a) don't know White Collar canon or b) haven't read the original story will have a look and see if this makes sense to them (within the realm of Magical Reality, where things don't always make sense anyway). I'd really love to know what you think, and veterans of the Extribulum process can tell you I'm pretty good at handling criticism.

Warnings
Ordinarily I don't warn on my original fiction, but ordinarily I'm not writing things like this. Trace contains brief discussions or descriptions of rape, torture, and extreme violence. There is also a fair amount of content concerning race, particularly racism among prison inmates, including the use of hate speech.

Prologue
Chapter One | Chapter Two | Chapter Three
Chapter Four | Chapter Five | Chapter Six
Chapter Seven | Chapter Eight | Chapter Nine
Epilogue

Comments

[eccentrikita.livejournal.com]

Hmmm. The blurb is working pretty well for me story-unread. The structure of it is nice: character, conflict, pivot. I do have some nitpicky wordfeel suggestions for it as it stands now:

1. Sentence-flow wise, the prison magic introduction could be stronger. I think upping the parallelism would help? "...unseen magic that only prisoners know: how to disappear, how to tell fortunes, how to steal souls." I just feel like the words in this intro need to have a nice rhythm and weight to them, otherwise your reader might not grasp their full import, and you really want them on board with the magical-realism concept from the very start.

2. Wright's introduction might be stronger. Maybe swap your clauses, and add a bit about how personally important (I assume) he'll be? "Now Detective Joseph Wright, the man who put Colin in prison before and [something or other] now, wants him to..."

3. Finally, minor referent goof in this sentence: "But some things are different -- like Laney, a Blood who can see demons, and Colin's old enemy Galano, who is slowly poisoning Railburg's food." Laney and Galano aren't "things," so the sentence doesn't work as it stands. Maybe "But some things are different -- a Blood called Laney is seeing demons, and Colin's old enemy Galano is slowly poisoning Railburg's food." However you wanna put it.

I know the blurb won't be fiddled with too much until after the novel itself is done (as it should be), but I thought I'd throw my suggestions at you anyway.

[copperbadge.livejournal.com]

This is actually really useful -- I hate that blurb but it's the one I hate least of all the blurbs I wrote which I hate :D So advice on blurb most welcome. Especially #3.

[hdluff4eva.livejournal.com]

I have decided, after much deliberating, to not read this until it is completed. I broke my resolve when you were writing Dead Isle and regretted it; I was litterally checking my list several times an hour rather than my usual twice daily. I know you'll be updating daily for this one, but I still won't be able to stand it. So.

Ya.

[copperbadge.livejournal.com]

Well, I can only hope it will be worth the wait :D

[insixeighttime.livejournal.com]

Hi Sam!

So I'll be commenting as I read, and then I'll look at the comments and comment on the comments if I see anything I need to comment on. WOO. This is the first time I'm catching the extribulium process as it goes, and I have a little catch-up, but hopefully I will!

- A


I should probably start with I was hesitant to read this because of it's WC origins, but I actually loved the little "back-of-book blurb". You're getting quite good at writing them. It actually made me excited instead of cautiously apprehensive. The first paragraph was great, the second necessary, and the third paragraph/last sentance doesn't sound right - Until Joseph arrives what? There's no verb for what happens after Joseph arrives. I feel like the "and Colin [...] he's encountered" is still a separate clause/parenthetical and I want to know what Colin has to do. I hope that makes sense!

Also, I appreciate the warning, even for original fic. I think it's appropriate and thank you for it.

[copperbadge.livejournal.com]

I'm getting better at the blurbs, but that one still needs work. It's hard with this one, because it's not fantasy but it's sure easy to make it SOUND like fantasy :D

[trinity_clare]

FINALLY I have enough time to sit down and read this. Magical realism requires a little more effort on my part than the average fic. My only reaction so far is -- I cannot believe you named him Joseph Wright. That's awesome.

[liviconnor.livejournal.com]

Having just read the story, I really enjoyed it. My one issue was with the magic armies. I'm not at all acquainted with the fandoms/stories from which this story came, but the whole morally ambiguous armies of vaguely threatening spirit-people didn't quite work for me. I like the idea, and the storytelling scene was very well-done, but it never really played out like I expected it to. When you introduce these supernatural forces, I sort of expect them to play an important role in the story, either as guides, warriors, protectors, whatever. But the biggest moment for them was saving Laney from the white supremacists. They were creepy and menacing while Noel was tattooing Colin, but never really did anything. Creepy as all get-out though, looming outside the cells and the prison.
Also, who were the ABs; were they an abbreviation of the Aryans, or a separate group on their own? Maybe I just missed that part.
But on the plus side, I could not put this story down. I was up until 1 reading, and the next morning reading it before class, even staying juuust a bit later than I should so I could finish before going to class- the class I teach! I love that you had this really healthy, normal poly relationship, and the grittyness of it really got under my skin. Definitely recommending it to friends.