Trace: Prologue

[copperbadge.livejournal.com]

PROLOGUE

They said a lot of things about Colin Byrne in prison, once he was no longer there.

They said that he was a con man, that he could sweet talk anyone and make cigarettes and scraps of paper disappear stage-magic style. He'd show you he was a pickpocket, given half an opportunity, by picking yours. They said he was a snitch, that he had a cop on the outside who was his lover (that this lover was a woman; that this lover was a man). They said he was in tight with the Fives, the Bloods, La Mugre, the Aryans. The Aryans denied it, but everyone said that was because he stole one of theirs.

He once shanked a prison guard so stealthily that the guard didn't even know until ten minutes later and they never did figure out it was him. He didn't kill him. Just made him writhe a little, for some unknown insult he'd suffered at the guard's hands.

He could get you anything you wanted. He knew what you wanted when you didn't. He'd show it to you, and you'd know, and then he'd name his price. He had nicknames on the inside: the guards called him Cat, the inmates called him Suicide.

In dark corners, in quiet voices, at other times they said this: that he could do magic, real magic, prison magic. He'd once drawn a bird so real it flew off the page. He couldn't be tattooed; the ink ran out of his skin while he slept. He could walk through prison bars. He could tell your fortune by looking in your eyes. If you gave him a lit cigarette, he could hypnotize a man just by flicking it back and forth. He could steal your soul if you let him draw you, but he wouldn't (but he had once). His name wasn't even Colin Byrne. They said that he was a ghost who'd just disappeared one day, straight out of his cell, and taken a servant with him. They said he'd come back. Some people believed it; some didn't. Gutierrez, who talked to God, said there was a priest who owned his shadow.

All of it was true. More or less.

At the moment, however, Colin Byrne was on the outside, having a beer.

Chapter One

Comments

[chicleeblair.livejournal.com]

New Sam!! Like.

The last line, though At the moment, however, Colin Byrne was on the outside, having a beer. feels awkward. At the moment wants is at the end of the sentence, but if the novel is in past tense that would throw it off....

[metallumai.livejournal.com]

I dunno; I kinda like it. It brings you out of the campfire story mood into the normal. "At the moment" doesn't have to be a present moment; it's just the moment you're going to talk about.

[jasmine-rosalee.livejournal.com]

I'm looking forward to reading this story since I love crime shows/stories/things like that but I haven't (surprisingly) ever watched White Collar. I don't know much about it apart from the fact that an ex-con man/criminal person teams up with the police or some such and I hope I can give you an idea as to how someone like me would read this book.

I really enjoyed the Prologue - it's something that would make me buy the book if I happened to be browsing through it at a book store. The sense of mystery is hightened by all that this Colin can apparently do and it makes it very intruiging. I have to admit, the last line did sort of feel a little jarring to me when I first read it but reading it again, it isn't anything dramatic and I think I can get over it :)

[eccentrikita.livejournal.com]

I loooooovvvvee this introduction not only because of its ideas and mythological storytelling but because of its rhythm and wordfeel, half dialogue and half legend. I particularly like the parentheticals for that.

They said he was a snitch, that he had a cop on the outside who was his lover (that this lover was a woman; that this lover was a man).
He could steal your soul if you let him draw you, but he wouldn't (but he had once).

Mmmmm. It's the kind of delicious prose I can curl up in.

I also agree that the end sentence is a bit jarring. I think it needs tying into the section above it, somehow, to stop it sticking out in both tone and content. Maybe something like "At the moment, however, Colin Byrne was on the outside, where [none of the stories touched him.] He was having a beer." That way the tone changes a bit, but the content is more transitional.

[lefaym.livejournal.com]

This is lovely and evocative; it tells us a lot without telling us too much -- so it's exactly what a prologue should be.

Just two little things tripped me up:

He could steal your soul if you let him draw you, but he wouldn't (but he had once).

The repetition of "but" doesn't work here -- you've set up a very smooth flow, but this isn't smooth. It's jarring, and it doesn't need to be.

At the moment

For some reason that I can't quite pinpoint, I kept wanting to read this as "At this moment" -- perhaps it's because the entire prologue has a sense of immediacy, and "this" suits it better than "the".

[chimney-swift.livejournal.com]

This prologue is such an awesome opening! It sets a neat tone, very mysterious and open-ended. I’m on the fence about the half-dialogue though. I kept wanting it to be either full oral storytelling or full written narration (that’s not from a narrator). It was most disconcerting in the last big paragraph, because it wasn’t the “They” format of the first, but it wasn’t quite dialogue.
Also, if he shanked a guy to make him writhe, then did he start after 10 minutes? I’m not certain how that would work. I can understand that the guard would be massively freaked out, but if he didn’t feel the injury for ten full minutes, I don’t know how much pain he would experience. I have no medical knowledge about this though.
I’m so excited to read the rest! Yay!

[(Anonymous)]

Hello! I'm a lurker who's recent enough to have missed (but heard about) your previous Extribulum projects. I am very excited about this one, and since I've never seen White Collar or read the fic this grew from, I guess I'm one of the fresh eyes you talked about in your Index post.

Re: actual crit:
This prologue made me want to read more rather than pause and comment, so thumbs up there. It also made me think a little of what China Mieville does sometimes, and if you're not familiar with his work, a) that was a compliment, and b) please pick up something of his if you get a chance (I'd suggest The City and the City).

The only thing I stumbled over was: "The Aryans denied it, but everyone said that was because he stole one of theirs." The 'theirs' is confusing - what is it referring to? One of their people? One of their lovers, since that was the last thing mentioned that could be possessed. [Man, here I am wishing I knew what parts of speech were called. Should have paid more attention in high school...] I apologize if I missed it - it's far from impossible - but that did jump out at me next to how smoothly everything else flowed.

Also, this might just be personal taste because om nom nom semicolons, but I feel like these two sentences would work better, flow-wise, with one: "He could get you anything you wanted. He knew what you wanted when you didn't."

That's all that caught my eye crit-wise. I hope I haven't said anything stupid/ignorant!

[sanura.livejournal.com]

Oh I can't wait for this to be a thing.

[jkivela.livejournal.com]

Good intro/prologue. I haven't watched White Collar or read the first story (having not been into the fandom, there wasn't much interest). It certainly makes me want to read more. I like how the magic they talk of tips back and forth between parlor tricks and real magic. It makes me start to wonder if this is fantasy/gothic horror or simply crime/drama.

[booknerdguru.livejournal.com]

I really love the flow of this. Especially the evocation of the mythos surrounding Colin and the parentheticals (which work beautifully for this). I love how it flows and trips over my tongue the same way that T.S. Eliot will do sometimes (I'm thinking of the Macavity poem in particular).

The last line is golden. It makes me want to flip the page as fast as I can to see what happens next.

[happi-feet.livejournal.com]

Okay, I wasn't going to comment on the prologue, because "OMGflail!" isn't constructive, but then everyone started hating on two exquisite lines and I had to speak up.

but he wouldn't (but he had once).

It's prose that's nearly poetry. Like the storyteller's superego is standing just behind him, inserting catty commentary when he thinks that the storyteller isn't quite telling all the pertinent truths.

At the moment, however, Colin Byrne was on the outside, having a beer.

I don't think it needs changing, but if you feel it necessary I would lean more towards making it a present-tense expression, rather than fleshing it out. I think it is just concise enough, and just eloquent enough, and any expanding on the thought would seem superfluous and amateur.

It could, however, be changed into a present-tense expression, since it is an ending. A temporal shift in the storyline from present to past or back would not be awkward.

That said, I like it the way it is. Haters be hatin', etc.

[ordinarygirl (from livejournal.com)]

I like this already. Very evocative imagery, for me anyway - if you tattooed him, the ink would run out of his skin while he slept? V. interesting indeed...

[ordinarygirl (from livejournal.com)]

Also, having looked at comments...

1) I love semicolons
2) I rather like the last line - it DOES pull you out a bit, but it was the sort of pulling out (to me) that was from a legend or a fairy tale and back to reality.
3) Parentheticals are love. The but he wouldn't (but he had once). line was interesting. I had to read it twice, but I do that often, so that's not saying much. I like it. It evokes a feeling of... false comfort. He wouldn't do it... but he had once, and who knows if he would again? What if it's you? And that seems to... fit with the whole taste of it.

I'm sorry I'm not the most coherent. :) I like.

[kayleigh-jane.livejournal.com]

I agree with you, esp. about the last line. It is meant to take you out of the myth and into reality. I imagine a camera shot, sliding down the sidewalk and then stopping on Colin at the last line. Very movie-esque.

[guestyperson.livejournal.com]

Heya. I'm going to add my voice to the chorus of people saying the last line works. The whole prologue feels evocative of the Wizard of the Pigeons by Megan Lindholm, what with the fantasy world building with ethereal language and sentence structure followed by a sharp jolt to impress upon the reader that the word *urban* in urban-fantasy is the one to which one needs to pay attention.

I also think that the use of 'but' twice in the "But he wouldn't, (but he had once)" is a bit awkward. I get that the prologue is supposed to be in short snippets, giving you short glimpses into a wider world, but the use of two 'but's twice in quick succesion doesn't give me a sence of disconnect from the situation to enhance the otherworldy quality of it, it instead draws me out of the book altogether.

I personally think, and feel free to ignore me, that it would work better as either

"He could steal your soul if you let him draw you. He wouldn't, but he had once."

or

He could steal your soul if you let him draw you, but he wouldn't (though he had once).

[the-luna-nymph.livejournal.com]

Wow, I am really excited to see where this goes. I like the "He could steal your soul if you let him draw you, but he wouldn't (but he had once)" line, because to me it suggested stories being whispered back and forth, and different people telling slightly different versions. The close repetition of "but" works for me, because it suggests two storytellers disagreeing.

[of-polyhymnia.livejournal.com]

I really love this Prologue. Not very constructive, but true!

I do like the "He could steal your soul if you let him draw you, but he wouldn't (but he had once)" that some people find jarring, though.

[copperbadge.livejournal.com]

Hee, apparently that line is going to cause a lot of sturm und drang. I may need to remove it simply because I'm considering rearranging some events -- I hate to lose this as a freestanding piece, but I may need to move some of the flashbacks into a prologue of sorts.

[copperbadge.livejournal.com]

And that's really what I was aiming for, the sense that this part of the story comes from a lot of different people. It's likely something I'll keep on account of that, though I may look into reworking it somehow.

[copperbadge.livejournal.com]

That's what I'm going for with the line overall, but the tense shift in it may still need to be poked at :D

[copperbadge.livejournal.com]

Ordinarily I am in total agreement about the repetition of words like that, though in this case I'm trying to get it to serve the purpose of making it seem like people are talking over each other, telling that part of the story. Still, it may need looking into.

[copperbadge.livejournal.com]

Well, on the one hand I'm glad to have readers who haven't watched White Collar -- on the other, I always encourage people to check it out :D

I'm glad you say the Prologue hooked you, because I did actually worry it was too expositiony, that it would put people off. On the other hand, the subject matter is pretty compelling, so perhaps the structure just serves that.

[copperbadge.livejournal.com]

I think I may end up dropping the sentence entirely or shifting it simply because I need to move some flashbacks up -- I hate to lose this prologue as a freestanding entity, but I might need to put the call from Hoboken after this. :D I think that might resolve some of the in media res issues with chapter one -- if I can have Colin call Joseph, then show Joseph and Colin in the car, that builds up their relationship as well.

[spiderine.livejournal.com]

Since I'm a John Constantine fan, it struck me that the legend of Colin Byrne is somewhat similar to the Hellblazer arc "Hard Times". Not really truly the same; I'm not using the dreaded "p-word" by any means, and I doubt you've ever read the comic/graphic novel. But it's the same kinda thing and it makes me happeh.

[copperbadge.livejournal.com]

I think possibly the issue is that it's an awkward shift to end a prologue on -- which may become a non-issue if I restructure chapter one so that the flashbacks go mainly before the present action.

I do like that but-but line. :D