ext_14849 (![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png)
copperbadge.livejournal.com) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
originalsam_backup2011-01-08 05:50 pm
copperbadge.livejournal.com) wrote in originalsam_backup2011-01-08 05:50 pm
Entry tags:
Trace: Prologue
PROLOGUE
They said a lot of things about Colin Byrne in prison, once he was no longer there.
They said that he was a con man, that he could sweet talk anyone and make cigarettes and scraps of paper disappear stage-magic style. He'd show you he was a pickpocket, given half an opportunity, by picking yours. They said he was a snitch, that he had a cop on the outside who was his lover (that this lover was a woman; that this lover was a man). They said he was in tight with the Fives, the Bloods, La Mugre, the Aryans. The Aryans denied it, but everyone said that was because he stole one of theirs.
He once shanked a prison guard so stealthily that the guard didn't even know until ten minutes later and they never did figure out it was him. He didn't kill him. Just made him writhe a little, for some unknown insult he'd suffered at the guard's hands.
He could get you anything you wanted. He knew what you wanted when you didn't. He'd show it to you, and you'd know, and then he'd name his price. He had nicknames on the inside: the guards called him Cat, the inmates called him Suicide.
In dark corners, in quiet voices, at other times they said this: that he could do magic, real magic, prison magic. He'd once drawn a bird so real it flew off the page. He couldn't be tattooed; the ink ran out of his skin while he slept. He could walk through prison bars. He could tell your fortune by looking in your eyes. If you gave him a lit cigarette, he could hypnotize a man just by flicking it back and forth. He could steal your soul if you let him draw you, but he wouldn't (but he had once). His name wasn't even Colin Byrne. They said that he was a ghost who'd just disappeared one day, straight out of his cell, and taken a servant with him. They said he'd come back. Some people believed it; some didn't. Gutierrez, who talked to God, said there was a priest who owned his shadow.
All of it was true. More or less.
At the moment, however, Colin Byrne was on the outside, having a beer.
Chapter One
They said a lot of things about Colin Byrne in prison, once he was no longer there.
They said that he was a con man, that he could sweet talk anyone and make cigarettes and scraps of paper disappear stage-magic style. He'd show you he was a pickpocket, given half an opportunity, by picking yours. They said he was a snitch, that he had a cop on the outside who was his lover (that this lover was a woman; that this lover was a man). They said he was in tight with the Fives, the Bloods, La Mugre, the Aryans. The Aryans denied it, but everyone said that was because he stole one of theirs.
He once shanked a prison guard so stealthily that the guard didn't even know until ten minutes later and they never did figure out it was him. He didn't kill him. Just made him writhe a little, for some unknown insult he'd suffered at the guard's hands.
He could get you anything you wanted. He knew what you wanted when you didn't. He'd show it to you, and you'd know, and then he'd name his price. He had nicknames on the inside: the guards called him Cat, the inmates called him Suicide.
In dark corners, in quiet voices, at other times they said this: that he could do magic, real magic, prison magic. He'd once drawn a bird so real it flew off the page. He couldn't be tattooed; the ink ran out of his skin while he slept. He could walk through prison bars. He could tell your fortune by looking in your eyes. If you gave him a lit cigarette, he could hypnotize a man just by flicking it back and forth. He could steal your soul if you let him draw you, but he wouldn't (but he had once). His name wasn't even Colin Byrne. They said that he was a ghost who'd just disappeared one day, straight out of his cell, and taken a servant with him. They said he'd come back. Some people believed it; some didn't. Gutierrez, who talked to God, said there was a priest who owned his shadow.
All of it was true. More or less.
At the moment, however, Colin Byrne was on the outside, having a beer.
Chapter One
no subject
The last line, though At the moment, however, Colin Byrne was on the outside, having a beer. feels awkward. At the moment wants is at the end of the sentence, but if the novel is in past tense that would throw it off....
no subject
(no subject)
no subject
no subject
no subject
I really enjoyed the Prologue - it's something that would make me buy the book if I happened to be browsing through it at a book store. The sense of mystery is hightened by all that this Colin can apparently do and it makes it very intruiging. I have to admit, the last line did sort of feel a little jarring to me when I first read it but reading it again, it isn't anything dramatic and I think I can get over it :)
no subject
I'm glad you say the Prologue hooked you, because I did actually worry it was too expositiony, that it would put people off. On the other hand, the subject matter is pretty compelling, so perhaps the structure just serves that.
no subject
They said he was a snitch, that he had a cop on the outside who was his lover (that this lover was a woman; that this lover was a man).
He could steal your soul if you let him draw you, but he wouldn't (but he had once).
Mmmmm. It's the kind of delicious prose I can curl up in.
I also agree that the end sentence is a bit jarring. I think it needs tying into the section above it, somehow, to stop it sticking out in both tone and content. Maybe something like "At the moment, however, Colin Byrne was on the outside, where [none of the stories touched him.] He was having a beer." That way the tone changes a bit, but the content is more transitional.
no subject
(no subject)
no subject
Just two little things tripped me up:
He could steal your soul if you let him draw you, but he wouldn't (but he had once).
The repetition of "but" doesn't work here -- you've set up a very smooth flow, but this isn't smooth. It's jarring, and it doesn't need to be.
At the moment
For some reason that I can't quite pinpoint, I kept wanting to read this as "At this moment" -- perhaps it's because the entire prologue has a sense of immediacy, and "this" suits it better than "the".
no subject
People seem so divided about the but-but line, I don't even know :D
(no subject)
(no subject)
no subject
Also, if he shanked a guy to make him writhe, then did he start after 10 minutes? I’m not certain how that would work. I can understand that the guard would be massively freaked out, but if he didn’t feel the injury for ten full minutes, I don’t know how much pain he would experience. I have no medical knowledge about this though.
I’m so excited to read the rest! Yay!
no subject
I really should fill out the shanking story more, but -- have you ever cut yourself and not noticed for a while? That can happen even with major wounds. In my head, Colin shanked him so casually and viciously that he didn't notice until the blood loss made him faint. There are more details about what happened after that and why he did it in the first place, but those'll come later.
(no subject)
no subject
no subject
(Anonymous) 2011-01-09 05:01 am (UTC)(link)Re: actual crit:
This prologue made me want to read more rather than pause and comment, so thumbs up there. It also made me think a little of what China Mieville does sometimes, and if you're not familiar with his work, a) that was a compliment, and b) please pick up something of his if you get a chance (I'd suggest The City and the City).
The only thing I stumbled over was: "The Aryans denied it, but everyone said that was because he stole one of theirs." The 'theirs' is confusing - what is it referring to? One of their people? One of their lovers, since that was the last thing mentioned that could be possessed. [Man, here I am wishing I knew what parts of speech were called. Should have paid more attention in high school...] I apologize if I missed it - it's far from impossible - but that did jump out at me next to how smoothly everything else flowed.
Also, this might just be personal taste because om nom nom semicolons, but I feel like these two sentences would work better, flow-wise, with one: "He could get you anything you wanted. He knew what you wanted when you didn't."
That's all that caught my eye crit-wise. I hope I haven't said anything stupid/ignorant!
no subject
It's good that the prologue hooks you in -- I did kind of worry it would be boring. As for the "stole one of theirs line", lol, I can see how it would be implied -- I just meant "stole one of their members" (that story comes out later -- Colin got one of their guys sent upstate) but wow, holy inadvertent implication Batman.
(no subject)
(Anonymous) - 2011-01-09 17:16 (UTC) - Expand(no subject)
(no subject)
(Anonymous) - 2011-01-09 20:10 (UTC) - Expand(no subject)
(no subject)
(Anonymous) - 2011-01-10 20:48 (UTC) - Expandno subject
no subject
no subject
no subject
The last line is golden. It makes me want to flip the page as fast as I can to see what happens next.
no subject
but he wouldn't (but he had once).
It's prose that's nearly poetry. Like the storyteller's superego is standing just behind him, inserting catty commentary when he thinks that the storyteller isn't quite telling all the pertinent truths.
At the moment, however, Colin Byrne was on the outside, having a beer.
I don't think it needs changing, but if you feel it necessary I would lean more towards making it a present-tense expression, rather than fleshing it out. I think it is just concise enough, and just eloquent enough, and any expanding on the thought would seem superfluous and amateur.
It could, however, be changed into a present-tense expression, since it is an ending. A temporal shift in the storyline from present to past or back would not be awkward.
That said, I like it the way it is. Haters be hatin', etc.
no subject
(no subject)
no subject
no subject
1) I love semicolons
2) I rather like the last line - it DOES pull you out a bit, but it was the sort of pulling out (to me) that was from a legend or a fairy tale and back to reality.
3) Parentheticals are love. The but he wouldn't (but he had once). line was interesting. I had to read it twice, but I do that often, so that's not saying much. I like it. It evokes a feeling of... false comfort. He wouldn't do it... but he had once, and who knows if he would again? What if it's you? And that seems to... fit with the whole taste of it.
I'm sorry I'm not the most coherent. :) I like.
no subject
I also think that the use of 'but' twice in the "But he wouldn't, (but he had once)" is a bit awkward. I get that the prologue is supposed to be in short snippets, giving you short glimpses into a wider world, but the use of two 'but's twice in quick succesion doesn't give me a sence of disconnect from the situation to enhance the otherworldy quality of it, it instead draws me out of the book altogether.
I personally think, and feel free to ignore me, that it would work better as either
"He could steal your soul if you let him draw you. He wouldn't, but he had once."
or
He could steal your soul if you let him draw you, but he wouldn't (though he had once).
no subject
(no subject)
no subject
no subject
no subject
I do like the "He could steal your soul if you let him draw you, but he wouldn't (but he had once)" that some people find jarring, though.
no subject
no subject
(no subject)
(no subject)
no subject
I like the 'hook' to this Prologue. If it were (say) a book cover blurb (inside front cover!), I'd be tempted to buy the book just on that. I'd almost certainly be opening it to A Random Chapter to read more (and knowing your writing, be still standing there three chapters later before coming up for air!).
Only quibbles are as per previous posters - those couple of slightly jarring bits, but they're not out-and-out 'throw me out of the story' jarring. And I've just realised what the particularly jarring thing about the last line is, apart from my suggestion above: It doesn't stand alone, and it should. I think if you moved the bit about 'All of it was true...' back into the previous paragraph, then that last line would have more 'punch' to it.
On to Chapter One!
no subject
Also: SQUEEE. Original fic while being based off of one of your more awesome stories!
Also, uh, one of my favorite authors? Her first published book was initially written as Star Trek fanfic. So I'm just curious to see where this ends up going.
Thoughts on the last line
I think there are two problems. The first is definitely the language. "However" gets in the way for sure, and I'm not sure that's the right phrase, but I think the shift is really good. It's the kind of line I love to have an the end of a mysterious passage like you've constructed. IF you can find a way to keep that feeling in, I would do it. I think it has a lot of strength. But in a real book, it might work better as the first line of the next chapter, because you would see it much sooner. You'd read the prologue, you'd turn the page, and then see it. Online, I'm commenting one piece at a time, plus I'll have to load the next page and I might not remember the feeling I had when I read the last paragraph.
Second problem: you already have a closing line to this section, which is "all of it was true. More or less." You've already put in the beat/pause we need mentally after following your flow, and then you put in another ending-type line after your ending-type line. I think that's what doesn't work. It's like:
This is the end.
Also, so is this bit, this the actual end.
I think you can fix that part by moving "All of it was true. More or less" to the BEGINNING of this piece. You could even make it the first line, setting up "They said a lot of things...."
Obviously you'd have to play with it, but actually I think putting that concept in our heads earlier would work really well. For me, certainly.
Also the "but he wouldn't (but he had once)" worked fine for me, no issues at all. I agree with the other commenter that most of these bits sound like voices echoing up from somewhere, so it could easily be someone contradicting someone else. I'm not sure if moving up "all of it was true" would help with the concept that there would be back and forth later on.
Okay, enough rambling. Not sure if that helped at all. On to chapter one!
Re: Thoughts on the last line
no subject
I really love this as an introduction; the line All of it was true. More or less. makes the reader want to read more to find out the truth in the rumours for themselves.
I also like the way you've used brackets to convey different versions of a story - but then I am generally a fan of brackets used in this kind of way :)
no subject
no subject
Love the style of this prologue, like oral history turned into myth. I'm also on the side of not changing the "but he wouldn't (but he had once)," largely for that reason.
I actually got a little tripped up by a sentence I haven't seen mentioned yet - Gutierrez, who talked to God, said there was a priest who owned his shadow. The "his" is a little fuzzy - in context, it's obviously Byrne (right?), but within that sentence it could be Byrne, Gutierrez, even God, and that's just enough to throw me off for a split second. Maybe that's just me, though.
no subject
no subject
I'm excited by this; I loved the fic version of this & am looking forward to reading it as origfic...
no subject
no subject
I had to look up "shanked". Why do they call him Suicide? Do you want to convey Daredevil?
I like the last two lines. I like how "the outside" really makes the opening seem like it's being told from within the prison, and now we're moving to the story that's being told.
The opening line,however, standing by itself, does not seem to carry the same tone as the rest of the passage. It seems more mundane, like any cop show, and doesn't carry the same campfire-eerie that the rest does.
Sentence Structure Nitpicks (A Lot of which might just be style, but still stood out):
- "He didn't kill him" --> My pet peeve is ambiguous pronouns. It's basically clear what you mean, but still.
- "that this lover was a woman; that this lover was a man" --> Could it be simplified to "this lover was a woman, that lover was a man"? The impression I am getting is that it's the different versions of the story, but the "that this" repetition sounds awkward in my head, not like the smooth-talking Byrne would be.
- "but he wouldn't (but he had once)" --> What if one of the "buts" is a "though"? I think that the sense of different stories comes through and would even with a different word.
no subject
no subject
no subject