- Loving the first bit, the intro to the other two prisoners. - Darkman! Although the line "if the armies of the child-myths weren't massing" seems slightly belittling to me. As though despite seeing and knowing he don't believe and still says they're just child-play. - I also read it as "one of the new boys let out a low moan" *because* the Guard had left them and not because they entered Railburg. - The ABs? (ETA - As I'm relooking up Marlow, I think this stands for Aryan Brotherhood, which I think is only mentioned in the book-blurb) - Why does Marlow need chalk? - Does not having a translation fall under the "just something I have to accept" category? I couldn't even parse much meaning. Here's what I got "Is there a sucessor for Marlow?" "Yes, certainly." and then I lost it. - Does Colin believe in God? This line here, "Difference is, when Gutierrez talks to Him, God talks back.", makes me think the answer is yes. Because if it wasn't, Colin wouldn't capitalize Him. - Heh! on the Colin/Paolo lies interaction. - This all is doing a great job of establishing dynamics and social strictures in the prison. First time I'm really getting an idea of the gang dynamics. - I'm not sure what I think about the paper materilization. That's something that we don't have precedent for - the mojo you've established seems to be rooted in knowing and in seeing. It makes more sense to me if Colin had the paper - or had it in a bag and called it to him - and only created the secret on the paper. So even Calling makes more sense to me than straight materilization. - I really like the Noel Colin scene. I think it's very well done. Nothing here is forced, and all the actions come from the characterization that you've given us. It's a stark contrast to the threesome scene earlier.
Comments: - I like the idea of an appendix that contextualizes a lot of the prison culture (eg, SMM, Italian translation) as you use it. Appendices are perfect for infodumps! :P - Agree with Anon about the "for a second he thought he was going to pass out" line - it seems very thoughtful for something that is so visceral.
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Date: 2011-01-12 10:48 pm (UTC)- Darkman! Although the line "if the armies of the child-myths weren't massing" seems slightly belittling to me. As though despite seeing and knowing he don't believe and still says they're just child-play.
- I also read it as "one of the new boys let out a low moan" *because* the Guard had left them and not because they entered Railburg.
- The ABs? (ETA - As I'm relooking up Marlow, I think this stands for Aryan Brotherhood, which I think is only mentioned in the book-blurb)
- Why does Marlow need chalk?
- Does not having a translation fall under the "just something I have to accept" category? I couldn't even parse much meaning. Here's what I got "Is there a sucessor for Marlow?" "Yes, certainly." and then I lost it.
- Does Colin believe in God? This line here, "Difference is, when Gutierrez talks to Him, God talks back.", makes me think the answer is yes. Because if it wasn't, Colin wouldn't capitalize Him.
- Heh! on the Colin/Paolo lies interaction.
- This all is doing a great job of establishing dynamics and social strictures in the prison. First time I'm really getting an idea of the gang dynamics.
- I'm not sure what I think about the paper materilization. That's something that we don't have precedent for - the mojo you've established seems to be rooted in knowing and in seeing. It makes more sense to me if Colin had the paper - or had it in a bag and called it to him - and only created the secret on the paper. So even Calling makes more sense to me than straight materilization.
- I really like the Noel Colin scene. I think it's very well done. Nothing here is forced, and all the actions come from the characterization that you've given us. It's a stark contrast to the threesome scene earlier.
Comments:
- I like the idea of an appendix that contextualizes a lot of the prison culture (eg, SMM, Italian translation) as you use it. Appendices are perfect for infodumps! :P
- Agree with Anon about the "for a second he thought he was going to pass out" line - it seems very thoughtful for something that is so visceral.