Jenna here with two posts and so much love for this chapter. Man, this 'hi omg love' intro paragraph is getting damn repetitive... see: why I don't comment on fics. I'll have crit for Nine and the Epilogue up... tomorrow evening, Friday at the latest.
Analise waited for the orderly and the guard to leave, but the guard just stepped back, up against the far wall. Needs something to connect it to the previous sentence. Maybe, 'Analise gave him a small smile and hesitated, waiting for the orderly and the guard to to leave, but when the guard just stepped back, up against the far wall, she sighed.'
"Joseph's taking you out of here," she said quietly, face and voice both so serious, and he hated to see that -- she'd been good to him and she didn't like how often he and Joseph both scared her. The second half of the sentence feels... awkward. Shuffling it around in my head, the best suggestion I can come up with is, '"Joseph's taking you out of here," she said quietly, face and voice both so serious that he had to look away, if only for a moment. He hated to see that -- she'd been good to him and she [wait, she? since it's Colin reacting, it's odd to suddenly start talking about her reactions to their relationship] didn't like how often he and Joseph both scared her.'
"He made the call last night, he'll have your release papers here by noon." Semi-colon instead of a comma?
It keeps him safer if I'm here," he added, feeling brilliant. I lol'd. Love for Colin, and this line. This whole exchange, really... it gives Analise some nice opportunities to flesh out.
Analise unclasped her hands, like she wanted to touch him again, but then stilled her movement and leaned back. 'instead' instead of 'but'; maybe not in the exact same place, maybe. 'but stilled her movement instead'?
Analise gave him a discontented look, but she smiled at Colin, patted his arm one last time, and stood to follow the guard out. Not feeling 'discontented'... perhaps 'irritated'? 'flat'? 'sharp'?
(many different schools, none of them interesting, most of them temporary at any rate) I think that this would work better without the 'at any rate'
He drifted into New York under the name Colin when he was a teenager; was arrested and tried and convicted under the name Colin, as if the rightful spelling was simply an embarrassing error on a slip of paper he didn't even know the location of anymore. I don't know how tenses actually, properly work, grammar-wise, but this feels like it would go better as, 'He'd drifted//had been arrested', though I'm not sure where that'd leave the last part of the sentence, where I don't think 'had simply been an embarrassing error' works. Which means this is potentially a worthless point. Fail, me D:
and it was easier to put Colin and save himself some time. Or to put some other name entirely. Comma instead of a period.
It had got him through his mother's death, through pneumonia a few years later, a couple of hard times in Railburg. I'd add the third 'through', since you've set up the repetition already.
Colm wasn't strong, but if he went there then Colin could be a shield, when his other defenses failed him. I love this whole concept. I think it needs to be connected up a little better - right now it's a lovely fragment, but a bit of a non-sequitor, not relating to what directly follows it and not really brought up again until the end of the next chapter. Beyond that, this sentence is a little unclear... spelling it out a little more might help, like, 'Colm wasn't strong, but it was somewhere to hide; when his other defenses failed him, he could run to Colm and leave Colin as a shield.'
He was startled, that evening, to see Joseph bringing him dinner I'd like to see more of an implied passage of time here; 'It was evening before he was startled from his reverie[or whatever]. To his surprise, it was Joseph brining him his dinner'
"Thanks for keeping me in," Colin said, poking at the food with his fork. 'and not meeting his eyes' on the end, maybe?
Miss wearing a belt that hasn't got a can of mace attached. I'd suggest adding that 'I' in front.
![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png){kind=small}
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2011-01-20 07:38 am (UTC)Analise waited for the orderly and the guard to leave, but the guard just stepped back, up against the far wall.
Needs something to connect it to the previous sentence. Maybe, 'Analise gave him a small smile and hesitated, waiting for the orderly and the guard to to leave, but when the guard just stepped back, up against the far wall, she sighed.'
"Joseph's taking you out of here," she said quietly, face and voice both so serious, and he hated to see that -- she'd been good to him and she didn't like how often he and Joseph both scared her.
The second half of the sentence feels... awkward. Shuffling it around in my head, the best suggestion I can come up with is, '"Joseph's taking you out of here," she said quietly, face and voice both so serious that he had to look away, if only for a moment. He hated to see that -- she'd been good to him and she [wait, she? since it's Colin reacting, it's odd to suddenly start talking about her reactions to their relationship] didn't like how often he and Joseph both scared her.'
"He made the call last night, he'll have your release papers here by noon."
Semi-colon instead of a comma?
It keeps him safer if I'm here," he added, feeling brilliant.
I lol'd. Love for Colin, and this line. This whole exchange, really... it gives Analise some nice opportunities to flesh out.
Analise unclasped her hands, like she wanted to touch him again, but then stilled her movement and leaned back.
'instead' instead of 'but'; maybe not in the exact same place, maybe. 'but stilled her movement instead'?
Analise gave him a discontented look, but she smiled at Colin, patted his arm one last time, and stood to follow the guard out.
Not feeling 'discontented'... perhaps 'irritated'? 'flat'? 'sharp'?
(many different schools, none of them interesting, most of them temporary at any rate)
I think that this would work better without the 'at any rate'
He drifted into New York under the name Colin when he was a teenager; was arrested and tried and convicted under the name Colin, as if the rightful spelling was simply an embarrassing error on a slip of paper he didn't even know the location of anymore.
I don't know how tenses actually, properly work, grammar-wise, but this feels like it would go better as, 'He'd drifted//had been arrested', though I'm not sure where that'd leave the last part of the sentence, where I don't think 'had simply been an embarrassing error' works. Which means this is potentially a worthless point. Fail, me D:
and it was easier to put Colin and save himself some time. Or to put some other name entirely.
Comma instead of a period.
It had got him through his mother's death, through pneumonia a few years later, a couple of hard times in Railburg.
I'd add the third 'through', since you've set up the repetition already.
Colm wasn't strong, but if he went there then Colin could be a shield, when his other defenses failed him.
I love this whole concept. I think it needs to be connected up a little better - right now it's a lovely fragment, but a bit of a non-sequitor, not relating to what directly follows it and not really brought up again until the end of the next chapter. Beyond that, this sentence is a little unclear... spelling it out a little more might help, like, 'Colm wasn't strong, but it was somewhere to hide; when his other defenses failed him, he could run to Colm and leave Colin as a shield.'
He was startled, that evening, to see Joseph bringing him dinner
I'd like to see more of an implied passage of time here; 'It was evening before he was startled from his reverie[or whatever]. To his surprise, it was Joseph brining him his dinner'
"Thanks for keeping me in," Colin said, poking at the food with his fork.
'and not meeting his eyes' on the end, maybe?
Miss wearing a belt that hasn't got a can of mace attached.
I'd suggest adding that 'I' in front.