Lots of crit yay! I've changed some things, left others...
I got what he was talking about after a read-through or two, but it seemed like he was talking about something different than Colin was on the next line. Perhaps if you spell it out a little more, have Joseph note that Colin should have been hurt more...?
It's not so much that he should have, as that Joseph thought he might. I've added a line about how Colin ducks trouble, which might tie the whole thing together more.
If it's just a general Tattoo of +2 Mojo, I think that needs to be said.
LOL at +2 mojo :D But yeah that's basically what it is, I thought it had been pretty well said, I'll look at that bit.
Well, Noel says he don't, don't nobody else talk about them. But he saw Guye's soldier on the roof before...?
Oooh, well caught. Cutting that bit.
I'm not sure about the physics of this. If this is a regular desk drawer, the back and sides should be high enough that you can't see past them and into the hollow, even when all the way open
Oh, he pulled the drawer out completely. I'll clarify :)
Including the block doors to the Seg cells. I'm not really into this sentence but I'm not sure what to suggest in its stead D:
How's this look? Including the block doors to the Seg cells, where Galano had been put.
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Date: 2011-01-25 06:04 pm (UTC)I got what he was talking about after a read-through or two, but it seemed like he was talking about something different than Colin was on the next line. Perhaps if you spell it out a little more, have Joseph note that Colin should have been hurt more...?
It's not so much that he should have, as that Joseph thought he might. I've added a line about how Colin ducks trouble, which might tie the whole thing together more.
If it's just a general Tattoo of +2 Mojo, I think that needs to be said.
LOL at +2 mojo :D But yeah that's basically what it is, I thought it had been pretty well said, I'll look at that bit.
Well, Noel says he don't, don't nobody else talk about them.
But he saw Guye's soldier on the roof before...?
Oooh, well caught. Cutting that bit.
I'm not sure about the physics of this. If this is a regular desk drawer, the back and sides should be high enough that you can't see past them and into the hollow, even when all the way open
Oh, he pulled the drawer out completely. I'll clarify :)
Including the block doors to the Seg cells.
I'm not really into this sentence but I'm not sure what to suggest in its stead D:
How's this look? Including the block doors to the Seg cells, where Galano had been put.