"You mess with one of us, you screw with all of us." Either 'mess' both times, or 'screw' both times.
"Si, mijo," Gutierrez answered. Good on Gutierrez, but I have no idea how he knew to speak Spanish short of telepathy. Colin's secret message being in Spanish would work even without Gutierrez's being in it; that, or have something in his original question be in Spanish, though I'm not sure how or what.
he brought it down in a slash, cutting the bed open, and threw his body sideways, tumbling to the ground. I... I have no idea what the action is here. He cuts the bed open, okay - the side of the bed? How does this release the orderly's bindings? I am confus ;_;
some of Guye's soldiers had joined the fight and were holding back the riders, if only just The 'newly aggressive' riders, perhaps, since the last time we saw them they were giving Galano and Joseph a wide berth.
Colin yelled "Gutierrez!" and shoved Joseph's shadow into one open, grasping hand while Laney struggled with Galano. Joseph stiffened and his whole body jerked when the shadow separated; Gutierrez grasped it and pulled it up to Galano's face. I think that the 'Joseph stiffened' bit should be the first thing in this paragraph, since that action should happen right as Colin pulls it away, while Gutierrez's action happens a second or two later. The rest of the action here is a little bit awkward, but it's all clear otherwise.
Joseph bent to help him up and Gutierrez raised a hand, thrusting the shadow straight into Joseph's chest. His hand went in up to the wrist before he pulled it back. This, however, is sort of unclear. Did he do it with the intention of returning his shade? Or was he putting up a hand to repel Joseph, an instinctive motion, with the hand that happened to still contain the shadow? Either way, I think there should be an adverb on 'pulled it back', because Gutierrez is already freaking out and now he's got his hand in another guy's chest, omg.
Joseph shook as Colin wrapped an arm around his chest and held tightly, murmuring apologies and soothing nonsense until the wracking coughs had passed. In my head, Joseph went to his knees with his back to Colin, meaning that Colin would have had a much easier time putting his arm around Joseph's back. Dunno, though.
"Shut uuuuup," Laney groaned, burying his face in a pillow. They must have him on something good. I lol'd :D
The lines on his face were deeper than usual; he seemed about twenty years older, but he stopped at Gutierrez's bed and spoke softly with him before coming around to Colin. Instead of the semicolon, maybe 'comma and'?
after he spat it out he lowered his palms and studied the little origami crane he'd coughed up. I am pretty certain I'm just missing something, but what?
She sat on the edge of the bed while he blew on the surface of the tea to cool it, sipping cautiously. Given that this might be the first human food he's had since he left the world for Railburg, I think that sip of tea deserves some small reaction or note.
"My name's not Colin," he said eventually, lifting one of her hands and tracing his bandaged thumb along her palm. "I mean -- my mother named me Colm. You need to know and tell Joseph. Colm. C-O-L-M." For this to have the impact I think you want it to have, the Colm Thing should probably have been introduced earlier than it was, and then mentioned once or twice. This is nice, but it doesn't have much weight behind it.
"Goodbye, Grace," he murmured, closing his eyes. 'and closed his eyes' sounds better, I think. Beyond that: I'm not sure how this sits with me, that the punchline of the novel turns out to be Grace. There were way more hints about his rape, for example, and they carried more weight, than any mention of Grace or her importance to him. There was pain, but you succeeded too well in having Colin push it down and cover it up; for the end of the novel to be This Was About Grace, there needs to be more of her in the text.
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Date: 2011-01-24 11:57 pm (UTC)Either 'mess' both times, or 'screw' both times.
"Si, mijo," Gutierrez answered.
Good on Gutierrez, but I have no idea how he knew to speak Spanish short of telepathy. Colin's secret message being in Spanish would work even without Gutierrez's being in it; that, or have something in his original question be in Spanish, though I'm not sure how or what.
he brought it down in a slash, cutting the bed open, and threw his body sideways, tumbling to the ground.
I... I have no idea what the action is here. He cuts the bed open, okay - the side of the bed? How does this release the orderly's bindings? I am confus ;_;
some of Guye's soldiers had joined the fight and were holding back the riders, if only just
The 'newly aggressive' riders, perhaps, since the last time we saw them they were giving Galano and Joseph a wide berth.
Colin yelled "Gutierrez!" and shoved Joseph's shadow into one open, grasping hand while Laney struggled with Galano. Joseph stiffened and his whole body jerked when the shadow separated; Gutierrez grasped it and pulled it up to Galano's face.
I think that the 'Joseph stiffened' bit should be the first thing in this paragraph, since that action should happen right as Colin pulls it away, while Gutierrez's action happens a second or two later. The rest of the action here is a little bit awkward, but it's all clear otherwise.
Joseph bent to help him up and Gutierrez raised a hand, thrusting the shadow straight into Joseph's chest. His hand went in up to the wrist before he pulled it back.
This, however, is sort of unclear. Did he do it with the intention of returning his shade? Or was he putting up a hand to repel Joseph, an instinctive motion, with the hand that happened to still contain the shadow? Either way, I think there should be an adverb on 'pulled it back', because Gutierrez is already freaking out and now he's got his hand in another guy's chest, omg.
Joseph shook as Colin wrapped an arm around his chest and held tightly, murmuring apologies and soothing nonsense until the wracking coughs had passed.
In my head, Joseph went to his knees with his back to Colin, meaning that Colin would have had a much easier time putting his arm around Joseph's back. Dunno, though.
"Shut uuuuup," Laney groaned, burying his face in a pillow. They must have him on something good.
I lol'd :D
The lines on his face were deeper than usual; he seemed about twenty years older, but he stopped at Gutierrez's bed and spoke softly with him before coming around to Colin.
Instead of the semicolon, maybe 'comma and'?
after he spat it out he lowered his palms and studied the little origami crane he'd coughed up.
I am pretty certain I'm just missing something, but what?
She sat on the edge of the bed while he blew on the surface of the tea to cool it, sipping cautiously.
Given that this might be the first human food he's had since he left the world for Railburg, I think that sip of tea deserves some small reaction or note.
"My name's not Colin," he said eventually, lifting one of her hands and tracing his bandaged thumb along her palm. "I mean -- my mother named me Colm. You need to know and tell Joseph. Colm. C-O-L-M."
For this to have the impact I think you want it to have, the Colm Thing should probably have been introduced earlier than it was, and then mentioned once or twice. This is nice, but it doesn't have much weight behind it.
"Goodbye, Grace," he murmured, closing his eyes.
'and closed his eyes' sounds better, I think. Beyond that: I'm not sure how this sits with me, that the punchline of the novel turns out to be Grace. There were way more hints about his rape, for example, and they carried more weight, than any mention of Grace or her importance to him. There was pain, but you succeeded too well in having Colin push it down and cover it up; for the end of the novel to be This Was About Grace, there needs to be more of her in the text.