It's been a while since you posted this story, but I hope you don't mind getting feedback so late.
I haven't watched White Collar but I liked the characters (and I'm going to check the Wikipedia to see what the show's about). I liked the relationship between Anelise, Joseph and Colin (random, I pictured him a bit as Colin Morgan in Parked), but I would have liked a bit more of it: I know why they ended up being lovers but I would like a bit more of how? I sort of understand why Joseph took Colin home, but I'd like more of what Anelise thought and how their relationship developed.
I think that overall you did a good job at keeping the story interesting even though the reader discovers in a non-linear form what is going on (at some points it is a bit confusing, but most of the times, it works).
Question, what was the reason Anelise sent Colin the twine?
I think the end doesn't quite work, I would have liked a bit more of interaction between Anelise, Colin and Joseph because I feel like they need to talk about what happened in prison, and even if Colin is trying to avoid it, it feels like there's something missing there. Maybe it's because I love the interactions between the three of them (even if we get very few), it's slightly strange that Anelise and Colin have a conversation in the end but Joseph is somehow excluded.
I liked that Colin is not telling the truth to Joseph about why he accepted to go undercover. I think it adds an interesting touch to the character.
I also feel there's something missing about the Darkman and Guye's soldiers, I guess Galano was calling them, but since we don't really know about his magic (or how it works for any of them), I feel there was something missing there too. Sorry about not being able to be more specific.
"Mi amante viene de prisa." It should be "deprisa" just one word. This sentence sounds a bit weird to my native ears, but it makes sense, since Colin isn't a native Spanish speaker (as far as we know) Overall you've done a good work with the Spanish in the book (I love the choice of "La Mugre" as a gang name!) because that's the only flaw I've seen (and I've not only seen bad Spanish in published books in English, I've seen it in books with awards).
Anyway, a very good story. I was hooked up from the beginning even though I didn't really know what was going on and who the characters were. You did a great job at delivering hints here and there and maintaining the reader's attention. I'm sure reading the final version of this.
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Date: 2011-05-28 07:12 am (UTC)I haven't watched White Collar but I liked the characters (and I'm going to check the Wikipedia to see what the show's about). I liked the relationship between Anelise, Joseph and Colin (random, I pictured him a bit as Colin Morgan in Parked), but I would have liked a bit more of it: I know why they ended up being lovers but I would like a bit more of how? I sort of understand why Joseph took Colin home, but I'd like more of what Anelise thought and how their relationship developed.
I think that overall you did a good job at keeping the story interesting even though the reader discovers in a non-linear form what is going on (at some points it is a bit confusing, but most of the times, it works).
Question, what was the reason Anelise sent Colin the twine?
I think the end doesn't quite work, I would have liked a bit more of interaction between Anelise, Colin and Joseph because I feel like they need to talk about what happened in prison, and even if Colin is trying to avoid it, it feels like there's something missing there. Maybe it's because I love the interactions between the three of them (even if we get very few), it's slightly strange that Anelise and Colin have a conversation in the end but Joseph is somehow excluded.
I liked that Colin is not telling the truth to Joseph about why he accepted to go undercover. I think it adds an interesting touch to the character.
I also feel there's something missing about the Darkman and Guye's soldiers, I guess Galano was calling them, but since we don't really know about his magic (or how it works for any of them), I feel there was something missing there too. Sorry about not being able to be more specific.
"Mi amante viene de prisa."
It should be "deprisa" just one word. This sentence sounds a bit weird to my native ears, but it makes sense, since Colin isn't a native Spanish speaker (as far as we know) Overall you've done a good work with the Spanish in the book (I love the choice of "La Mugre" as a gang name!) because that's the only flaw I've seen (and I've not only seen bad Spanish in published books in English, I've seen it in books with awards).
Anyway, a very good story. I was hooked up from the beginning even though I didn't really know what was going on and who the characters were. You did a great job at delivering hints here and there and maintaining the reader's attention. I'm sure reading the final version of this.