Seven. - "The black flickers around his vision stopped abruptly, though one of the new boys let out a low moan as they passed the gate." Each time I read this I read it as though it was the halting of the Darkman's horses that caused the new boy to moan, not the fact that they were passing through the gate (right?). - I'm wanting to just read, which is a good thing:) - Is Rifkin's meeting earlier? It feels quicker. This whole segment feels fast. This isn't bad - I have a feeling it's setting the tone for prison - just a comment. - (at The Italian boys) Ooh, is The Woman going to show up in Railburg? - How big is this prison yard? Or are the gang divisions so sharp that reative closeness doesn't matter? This is bothering me a little. - Ah, yay, translations, thank you! I also appreciate having the Italian there, and not just the italics to symbolize 'Oh look, another language!' - End: Mealtime is creepy as always, and I like how the "He thought about Laney" paragraph clarifies what Colin thinks Laney's mojo is, and sets up the hierarchy. I like this new angle of introducing Noel - half hints and a name, we know he's important but not who he is. It's intriguing.
Eight. - I don't remember what Noel looked like; so I'm enjoying this physical description slipped in. - End: I like how short this is - it feels complete. It's it's own necessary arc, and it works. Also Noel's blunt description of prison politics.
Nine. - Why does everyone bend to Colin? Because he's Colin, or because he's the most powerful mojo of the bunch? - End: I don't know what you did, but the gangs and the prison politics feel much clearer this time around, so kudos.
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Ch. 7-9
Date: 2011-06-24 04:31 pm (UTC)- "The black flickers around his vision stopped abruptly, though one of the new boys let out a low moan as they passed the gate." Each time I read this I read it as though it was the halting of the Darkman's horses that caused the new boy to moan, not the fact that they were passing through the gate (right?).
- I'm wanting to just read, which is a good thing:)
- Is Rifkin's meeting earlier? It feels quicker. This whole segment feels fast. This isn't bad - I have a feeling it's setting the tone for prison - just a comment.
- (at The Italian boys) Ooh, is The Woman going to show up in Railburg?
- How big is this prison yard? Or are the gang divisions so sharp that reative closeness doesn't matter? This is bothering me a little.
- Ah, yay, translations, thank you! I also appreciate having the Italian there, and not just the italics to symbolize 'Oh look, another language!'
- End: Mealtime is creepy as always, and I like how the "He thought about Laney" paragraph clarifies what Colin thinks Laney's mojo is, and sets up the hierarchy. I like this new angle of introducing Noel - half hints and a name, we know he's important but not who he is. It's intriguing.
Eight.
- I don't remember what Noel looked like; so I'm enjoying this physical description slipped in.
- End: I like how short this is - it feels complete. It's it's own necessary arc, and it works. Also Noel's blunt description of prison politics.
Nine.
- Why does everyone bend to Colin? Because he's Colin, or because he's the most powerful mojo of the bunch?
- End: I don't know what you did, but the gangs and the prison politics feel much clearer this time around, so kudos.