Reading notes - Love the intro already - we get a sense of who Jack is, and the description of his personality and eagerness is great. - "The air shimmered for a moment" Nice to get a sense of what Creation is like almost instantly, and I like the reproach early on. - Oh sad, no more Merchant. - Just a thought. Are creationists uncommon and/or scrupulous enough that there is no system of monitoring if someone Creates money? How could they be tracked down? (Possibly this is getting into the theology and you don't need that). - I remember before someone said something about the drips of ice cream remaining on the ledge when the bowls disappeared. Putting them on grass is a nice quick fix for that :) - I didn't realize till now the slight parallel between Jack entering the gallery and Jack entering the Austrailia train station -- airy rooms with glass windows, machines that entrance him. But the evoltion is wonderful, from broken glass windowpanes to walls of sparkling clean. - Sam, one of the reasons you remain one of my favorite authors is that you always use at least one word I don't know. In this case I actually do know the word geegawism (just gewgaw), but I have never heard it used in this context. Anyway, that is one of my favorite things about your writing and I thought you should know. - ""Like a machine that gives you Shakespeare," Clare whispered to Jack, who grinned. " --> As it is currently written, the machine doesn't actually do this yet. - I didn't realize Jack had wandered off until Ellis says something, but I don't know if that matters. - I really like the addition of the "It was a world of it's own, Harvard" bit. - "Clare hummed an old song to herself" --> Up the coasts of Adilade, perchance? ;) - OKAY SO I know this is where the old chapter used to end and clearly it doesn't anymore, but I like how you edited it so far and I am not missing anything /much/ except the Shakespeare machine, but I'll elabourate on that below later. - "You kiss boys with that mouth?"/"No sir," she replied, and winked at the girl sitting next to her. --> Love this exchange, glad it's still in! - I like Ellis's introduction a lot this go-around. I like how you are setting up the characters before we are introduced to them. - Is this officious-third year Lasson? Or are all third years obnoxious? - "feeling as if this was probably not as relevant as it sounded." --> Aw Jack <3 - "What are your plans for the afternoon, Head?" --> Would he really call him Head? Not Head Name? To me it sounds awkward, like "Leg" or "Arm" (Then again, we did just hire a position at work that abbreviates to ARM...) - Jack made a vending machine!!! I liked the block machine but this is better and connects with the earlier bit.
![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png){kind=small}
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2012-05-14 05:00 pm (UTC)- Love the intro already - we get a sense of who Jack is, and the description of his personality and eagerness is great.
- "The air shimmered for a moment" Nice to get a sense of what Creation is like almost instantly, and I like the reproach early on.
- Oh sad, no more Merchant.
- Just a thought. Are creationists uncommon and/or scrupulous enough that there is no system of monitoring if someone Creates money? How could they be tracked down? (Possibly this is getting into the theology and you don't need that).
- I remember before someone said something about the drips of ice cream remaining on the ledge when the bowls disappeared. Putting them on grass is a nice quick fix for that :)
- I didn't realize till now the slight parallel between Jack entering the gallery and Jack entering the Austrailia train station -- airy rooms with glass windows, machines that entrance him. But the evoltion is wonderful, from broken glass windowpanes to walls of sparkling clean.
- Sam, one of the reasons you remain one of my favorite authors is that you always use at least one word I don't know. In this case I actually do know the word geegawism (just gewgaw), but I have never heard it used in this context. Anyway, that is one of my favorite things about your writing and I thought you should know.
- ""Like a machine that gives you Shakespeare," Clare whispered to Jack, who grinned. " --> As it is currently written, the machine doesn't actually do this yet.
- I didn't realize Jack had wandered off until Ellis says something, but I don't know if that matters.
- I really like the addition of the "It was a world of it's own, Harvard" bit.
- "Clare hummed an old song to herself" --> Up the coasts of Adilade, perchance? ;)
- OKAY SO I know this is where the old chapter used to end and clearly it doesn't anymore, but I like how you edited it so far and I am not missing anything /much/ except the Shakespeare machine, but I'll elabourate on that below later.
- "You kiss boys with that mouth?"/"No sir," she replied, and winked at the girl sitting next to her. --> Love this exchange, glad it's still in!
- I like Ellis's introduction a lot this go-around. I like how you are setting up the characters before we are introduced to them.
- Is this officious-third year Lasson? Or are all third years obnoxious?
- "feeling as if this was probably not as relevant as it sounded." --> Aw Jack <3
- "What are your plans for the afternoon, Head?" --> Would he really call him Head? Not Head Name? To me it sounds awkward, like "Leg" or "Arm" (Then again, we did just hire a position at work that abbreviates to ARM...)
- Jack made a vending machine!!! I liked the block machine but this is better and connects with the earlier bit.