I've thought in both of my readings of this story ( one and a half of the original draft and then this one) that the scene where Jack and Ellis are walking home from the theater and Ellis asks him if he would want to build the machine is one of the most gorgeous scenes you've ever written. I love it. I just think it's flat-out pretty.
I, too, missed the confused concierge, but I can also totally see why you took it out.
You're going to hate me by the end - I'll stop as soon as you tell me to stop, I promise - for these: witty young woman = witty, young woman long cold ride back = long, cold ride back
Oh, and should this: way things are." Jack shrugged. = way things are," Jack shrugged. (comma after are instead of period)?
I love, as well, when Clare realizes her school Head is a spy as well. Brilliant.
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Date: 2012-04-23 03:32 am (UTC)I, too, missed the confused concierge, but I can also totally see why you took it out.
You're going to hate me by the end - I'll stop as soon as you tell me to stop, I promise - for these: witty young woman = witty, young woman
long cold ride back = long, cold ride back
Oh, and should this: way things are." Jack shrugged. = way things are," Jack shrugged. (comma after are instead of period)?
I love, as well, when Clare realizes her school Head is a spy as well. Brilliant.