Holy crap, I don't know what you did, but Ellis's story was more chilling this time than in the other draft. This chapter was really dark, but I like that because this book deals with some heavy stuff and it can't all be jumping in leaf piles and minor explosions. This gives us a more in-depth look into the politics and beliefs behind the major religion of the world.
I have a minor nitpick:
As darkness descended, Jack started the coals under the steam engine and tested the new spigot for the helium canisters. The new slow-release extension, easily reached from the pilot's seat, worked like a charm. With dusk fast waning, Jack opened the wheel on the canister and the balloon began to fill.
You mention twice within four sentences that it's getting dark and it felt a bit repetitive to me.
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Date: 2012-04-30 11:35 pm (UTC)I have a minor nitpick:
As darkness descended, Jack started the coals under the steam engine and tested the new spigot for the helium canisters. The new slow-release extension, easily reached from the pilot's seat, worked like a charm. With dusk fast waning, Jack opened the wheel on the canister and the balloon began to fill.
You mention twice within four sentences that it's getting dark and it felt a bit repetitive to me.