"The government does not take Tribal insurrection lightly," Andrea said, with a stiff inflection that spoke of deep emotion underneath. The "stiff inflection" felt too much like the writer muscling in to tell us "Person A felt this". Especially since it's a character we don't know, it felt rather intrusive. I think it'd be better if it was "Andrea said flatly" or just take away the "deep emotion" bit.
"My companion is something of a...well, I think one could say a pirate, couldn't they?" Ellis said. Purva gave him a smug look. Unclear who Purva is smiling at.
"I know it's a southern island, but it's very far south," Clare said, Unclear what Clare meant; I had to go back and reread it a few times before I realised that she thought it should be cold because it was so far south that it was near the south pole.
Clare let out a small gasp. Next to her, Jack made a soft choking noise. Choking seems like an odd reaction to a beautiful surprise :/
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Date: 2012-05-08 09:18 pm (UTC)The "stiff inflection" felt too much like the writer muscling in to tell us "Person A felt this". Especially since it's a character we don't know, it felt rather intrusive. I think it'd be better if it was "Andrea said flatly" or just take away the "deep emotion" bit.
"My companion is something of a...well, I think one could say a pirate, couldn't they?" Ellis said. Purva gave him a smug look.
Unclear who Purva is smiling at.
"I know it's a southern island, but it's very far south," Clare said,
Unclear what Clare meant; I had to go back and reread it a few times before I realised that she thought it should be cold because it was so far south that it was near the south pole.
Clare let out a small gasp. Next to her, Jack made a soft choking noise.
Choking seems like an odd reaction to a beautiful surprise :/