Got to this on my to-do list! Sorry it's so late. I only found a couple of things. I know someone commented on my first point already; I just wanted to second the motion that it either be part of the previous sentence or struck altogether.
Also, in the political climate of our world right now, I missed your joke about Anderson's sister considering herself a liberal but keeping Koori workers and complaining. I read it as a political thing as well. I see your point now, and it is amusing, but I read it it a different way. That probably says more about me and the other reader than it does about your text, though... :)
She turned to him and nodded. He was carrying a light, broad shield at his hip, one of many the Kooris were carrying, and as he went up the steps he held it across his body. He looked faintly ridiculous, but better absurd than dead. As he no doubt would have observed. = I found that bit jarring, taking me out of the moment. Not quite necessary in my opinion. Just a thought…
"No, I won't race you to exhaustion, you're old and liable to collapse = you need a semicolon after exhaustion Miss Fields had other matters to attend to, she won't be joining us. = semicolon after to, or put ‘so’ before she
In the end, I still love so many things about this chapter - most of them having to do with Jack.
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Date: 2012-06-06 02:16 pm (UTC)Also, in the political climate of our world right now, I missed your joke about Anderson's sister considering herself a liberal but keeping Koori workers and complaining. I read it as a political thing as well. I see your point now, and it is amusing, but I read it it a different way. That probably says more about me and the other reader than it does about your text, though... :)
She turned to him and nodded. He was carrying a light, broad shield at his hip, one of many the Kooris were carrying, and as he went up the steps he held it across his body. He looked faintly ridiculous, but better absurd than dead. As he no doubt would have observed. = I found that bit jarring, taking me out of the moment. Not quite necessary in my opinion. Just a thought…
"No, I won't race you to exhaustion, you're old and liable to collapse = you need a semicolon after exhaustion
Miss Fields had other matters to attend to, she won't be joining us. = semicolon after to, or put ‘so’ before she
In the end, I still love so many things about this chapter - most of them having to do with Jack.