Charitable Getting: Draft 2, Epilogue

[copperbadge.livejournal.com]

EPILOGUE

When Roxy found Vicky, she was standing in the back of the kitchen, helping the waiters open wine bottles.

"Hi!" she called, waving the corkscrew she was holding. "What's up? HEY, WATCH THE CRAB CAKES," she shouted over Roxy's shoulder, as one of the chefs plated them sloppily.

"Help me," Roxy said.

"Okay!" Vicky replied, handing off the bottle and corkscrew to a passing chef. "Help with what?"

"I can't find Ian," Roxy said. "We have to start and I can't find him!"

"Wasn't he talking with Sparks like, two minutes ago?" Vicky asked. "Did you text him?"

"This stupid hotel has no reception! Why do we keep holding dinners here? And also, he has to stop talking to Sparks. Do you know what Sparks wants to do now?"

"No, what?" Vicky asked, glee in her eyes.

"A YOUTUBE CHANNEL," Roxy yelled over the noise in the kitchen. A few of the waiters looked at her with puzzlement as they passed.

"That's a great -- that's a terrible idea," Vicky said, correcting herself when she saw the murderous look in Roxy's eye. "Absolutely awful. Maybe Ian knows you know he suggested it and is hiding?"

"He has stage fright," Roxy hissed. "That's why he's hiding. If he bails, so help me God..."

"Ask Sarah, she'll know," Vicky said. Roxy sighed and left the kitchen, only to find Sarah lifting a glass of wine from a tray for Mark.

"This is super-swanky," Mark told Roxy, when she reached them. "Are you sure it's cool I snuck in?"

"Totally cool," Roxy said absently. "Sarah. Ian. Where? Please."

"Hiding," Sarah said. "Try coat check."

Roxy glanced across the room and saw Ian -- and then facepalmed.

"He's checking coats," she said.

"He likes to be helpful," Mark observed.

"He's supposed to be making clients joyful!"

"Well, technically..." Sarah gestured. Roxy scowled at her and ran off again. When she reached coat check she was out of breath and cursing her high heels.

"You are so fucking busted," she told Ian, who looked at her guiltily.

"I was just...the interns needed...and Jess..." He gestured at Jess, who was sitting with the interns and apparently watching a video on her phone.

"He insisted," Jess said.

"You are coming out here right now," Roxy ordered, as Ian shamefacedly rounded the table. "Where's your tie?"

"Found the tie!" Erin announced, coming up behind them. "It was in your messenger bag."

She let the tie unroll from her fingers. Ian's suit itself was charcoal, and one of the sleeves was unbuttoned to accommodate his cast; the tie was a deep goldenrod, and on close examination the apparently abstract pattern was dozens of tiny Vitruvian Man drawings.

"That's your tie?" Roxy asked.

"I got it from the Field Museum, it's my favorite," Ian said defensively, taking the tie and trying to knot it one-handed. He finally gave up and waggled his cast pathetically. Roxy sighed and took the tie away, looping it around his throat.

"It's coming off in a week," he reminded them as Roxy knotted it.

"And then you'll have no more excuses," Naomi said, sweeping up in a new dress that almost hid the sensible shoes underneath.

"I don't -- !" Ian began, then rolled his eyes. "Fine. Okay."

"God, you have to get a new suit. Can't you afford tailoring now?" Naomi demanded.

"What's wrong with this one?" Ian asked, looking down at it.

"You need pinstripes," Naomi told him.

"By the way, later we're going to have words about the YouTube thing," Roxy said, smoothing the tie down. "Now, can I trust you to run the PowerPoint without me hovering?"

"Hey, I did the webinar all by myself last week, and that sucked," Ian told her.

"Just punishment," Erin snorted.

"Don't trip!" Naomi called after them. Ian lifted his cast and threw her a very subtle finger.

"Ian!" Sparks shouted. "Stop that!"

"Aaargh," Ian groaned theatrically. "Boss, if I quit, will you make me receptionist again?"

"Vicky's got a death grip on it," Sparks said, as Anna ran up. "Hey, it's my favorite whistleblower!"

"Stop calling me that," Anna hissed.

"Enjoy your fame," Sparks told her.

"It's infamy!"

"It didn't sound like infamy when you got to go on Oprah," Ian reminded her.

"You never get to talk to me again," Anna pointed a finger at him. "If you fuck up the speech I wrote for you I'll -- "

"Okay, you look passingly snappy," Sparks interrupted, speaking to Ian. "Ready?"

"If I die onstage," Ian said to Erin, "remember we're helping John move into Cee's place this weekend, and you are to mock him mercilessly."

"It's in my BlackBerry," Erin said indignantly.

"Come on!" Sparks called, already ten paces ahead.

Roxy ran past them to make sure the computer hadn't come unplugged or gone on standby or any of the other dozen disasters that could happen. When she saw everything was in order, she took a deep breath, let go, and stepped aside.

"Good evening!" Sparks yelled, bounding up the platform. Ian lingered below in the shadows. "Good evening everyone. Thank you, quiet down, yes, the food is exceptional. All listening? Good."

He clapped his hands together and bounced on this toes.

"I'd like to welcome you to our New Client meet and greet," he said, giving them the Smile, the one that practically went ting! under the lights. "We're very excited that you're joining our SparkVISION family. I know you're all anxious to start the ball rolling on your various projects, and of course you know we're ramping up for this expansion with a lot of new people. We have quite a bit of information to cover tonight, primarily from our excellent Client Joy manager Erin..." he gestured to Erin, who waved and pointed to her SparkVISION branded ball cap, which clashed horribly with her dress, "...but first we're going to have a few words from our new Client Joy associate, who will be handling some of your accounts once he's got two hands again."

Ian winced; everyone else chuckled. Roxy patted his shoulder.

"Many of you know him better under a nom de plume -- more of a Non de plume, hahaha -- but I'd like to formally introduce you to Non Prophet's alter ego, Ian Butler."

Ian didn't move. He looked terrified. Roxy planted an elbow square in his kidney, just to get him going, and pressed the computer remote for the PowerPoint into his hand. He stumbled up the stairs and blinked in the light on the stage. Sparks, turning and walking backwards as he went to join his staff near the rear of the room, gave him a huge grin and a thumbs-up gesture. Roxy hurried around the tables and accepted a glass of wine when Erin offered her one.

"Hi," Ian said from the stage, shifting the remote back and forth in his hands. Erin made a "smile!" gesture. Ian smiled, or anyway tried to. He cleared his throat.

"I, um, I'm very new at this," he said hesitantly. "Most of the time, when I'm talking with any authority, it's from behind a computer screen."

Polite laughter. Roxy bit her lip, but Ian looked faintly encouraged. Roxy noticed Tanya slinking in from the kitchen, and Sparks was momentarily distracted as he waved her over. She still looked uncomfortable around the rest of the staff – especially Ian, who still wouldn't speak to her – but she leaned in and whispered something to Sparks, who slung his arm over her shoulders and beamed at her.

It was probably for the best. He'd been miserable for the week and a half he'd spent insisting that they were over. At least now he wasn't moping all the time.

"SparkVISION appreciates your confidence in our abilities, and we anticipate a very satisfying relationship with all of you," Ian continued onstage, starting to get into the rhythm of the speech Anna had carefully written for him, after much screaming. "It's been an interesting month since Non Prophet was outed..."

"If he falls off the stage getting down, I'm going to throttle him," Erin whispered to Roxy. Cee, appearing on her other side, offered her a glass of wine. "Oh God, thank you."

"He'll do fine," Sparks said, leaning across to pat Erin on the shoulder. "You know you're still my number one, right?"

"I'm the one who doesn't fall over furniture," Erin recited. "Therefore I get to be Queen of Client Joy."

"That's right," Sparks said. The rest of the gathering laughed at a joke in the speech.

"I told you that was a good joke," Anna said to Sparks. Ian looked momentarily confused by the laughter before continuing.

"My kerning is so hot," Zoe declared, as Ian advanced to the first PowerPoint slide.

"How many new interns are we getting?" Sarah asked. "I still get to break them, right?"

"Yes," Sparks sighed. "You get to break them."

"Good." Sarah accepted the flask from Erin and took a quick sip.

"You," Sparks added to Tanya, "had better not be taking notes, our business practices are off the record."

"No notes," Tanya promised.

"Well thank god for small favors," Erin muttered, casting a sidelong glare at Tanya, and Sarah shook a finger at her.

"Clean slate, we said," she reminded her. Erin rolled her eyes, but she didn't say anything further.

"New year," Sparks mused, and Roxy saw him sweep the assembled staff with a pleased gaze. "New directions, new clients. It's gonna be great. We're gonna save the world."

"It's like he talks these things into existence," Sarah whispered to Cee.

"Maybe he does," Roxy whispered back. "Erin, by the way, did he tell you about Ian's idea for a new YouTube Channel for SparkVISION?"

Erin looked speculatively at Ian, who was showing off the Banana of Website Philanthropy. Zoe, standing nearby, almost choked on her wine as her little animated banana began to dance in the corner.

"I'm going to stab him," Erin decided.

END

Comments

[revieloutionne.livejournal.com]

Hm. Tanya's covered a bit vaguely, but otherwise, I have this to say:

WHO WROTE AN AWESOME NOVEL? YOU WROTE AN AWESOME NOVEL, THAT'S WHO.

Seriously. It's all the parts I loved about the first draft and then some a ton. I will be absolutely ecstatic when I get my signed-for-charity copy. (I want a doodle again, so you know.)

[copperbadge.livejournal.com]

I'm fretting a bit about Tanya in the last part, yeah -- it was a late addition, I may need to smooth that out a bit more. But I'm so glad you liked it and that it's working so much better. I was really worried!

[kallaneboi.livejournal.com]

This draft is so much...rounder than the other one. The characters stand out individually. Sparks isn't just a brilliant idiot, but someone who just occasionally acts like one. Erin and Naomi drifted out of the ensemble to stand on their own, and I remember who they are. This was an awesome novel in the first draft, but you've made it even better.

Tanya worked better in this one as one of the baddies of the story, but I'm glad she and Bo went somewhere. There was the beginnings of that in the first draft, and I like where it went.

Just a random question, though. Why did you change Hanna's name to Vicky?

[copperbadge.livejournal.com]

I'm so glad this works better, and that the characters stand out. I was really, really worried about that.

I changed Hanna to Vicky because we already had a lot of -a names -- Sarah, Anna, and Hanna was a bit much. It's to help Hanna stand out more, basically :)

[seneska.livejournal.com]

I think I get Vicky and Jess mixed up, but that's my issue and not yours. Altogether this a really good story and you've really polished it up since the last draft I read. I wouldn't worry about Tanya's contribution in the epilogue either because, although it's short, she's already more integrated in with the characters. It's a good balance. Well done you.

[elucreh.livejournal.com]

Why is Naomi wearing sensible shoes? I thought she was the fashionista?

[copperbadge.livejournal.com]

She is -- it's a little personality quirk to make her stand out, that she's a fashion-hound but refuses not to wear sensible shoes, so that she can actually walk without pain :D Perhaps I need to put in a paragraph about that...

[aramina.livejournal.com]

Woot! I've finished it, that means I can actually attempt to think about it as a whole!

First, on the epilogue, I agree with what others have said, I feel like there should be more Tanya in the epilogue, and yet with the format you've chosen - to mirror the beginning, at the same time, I keep wondering why she's there at all if she's not in a professional capacity. Yeah, she's the bosses' girlfriend, but she seems almost out of place. I almost feel like it would be better if Roxy was just contemplating her and she wasn't actually there.

On the book as a whole I have to say I'm quite surprised! I honestly thought the first draft was really really good, and then you went and made it better. There were still times where I got confused about who was who, and I almost wish your ensemble cast had just like, two less people in it to make it easier to handle, but on the whole this was a much tighter and interesting story than what you posted in the beginning of the year.

My only regret, and maybe this is because I came into this one already knowing who Non was, is that I felt almost like it was too obvious. In the first draft it was much more of a mystery, and while that meant that I felt that there weren't enough clues that Ian was Non Prophet, now I felt like there were too many clues. Ok really, I just wanted more red herrings, but that's because I'm usually one of those people that can guess plot details like that off of clues, and I like it when it's harder to figure out.

tl;dr? I want you to write more stories like this, because while sci-fi/fantasy/steampunk stories are awesome, I feel like there's a lack of well written stories about people's everyday lives, and it's a shame.

[the-luna-nymph.livejournal.com]

My only regret, and maybe this is because I came into this one already knowing who Non was, is that I felt almost like it was too obvious. In the first draft it was much more of a mystery, and while that meant that I felt that there weren't enough clues that Ian was Non Prophet, now I felt like there were too many clues. Ok really, I just wanted more red herrings, but that's because I'm usually one of those people that can guess plot details like that off of clues, and I like it when it's harder to figure out.

I didn't read the first draft, but I also knew pretty much from when Ian was introduced that he was Non Prophet. But I wonder how obvious this would be to people who don't read Sam's blog?

[sparkfrost.livejournal.com]

I somewhat agree with aramina that, on second reading, it is somewhat obvious that Ian is Non. But! Everytime I read something that made me think that, I remembered another tidbit that suggested it was someone else. Both Sarah and Ian relaxing on couches comes to mind.

I quite enjoyed this the second time around! I enjoyed it the first time as well, but on this read-through I felt much more able to tell everyone apart from the get-go. I believe last time I said I had a difficult time remembering who was who. This time the characters each stood out much more to me, and by chapter 3 I didn't even have to think about who did what.

Gotta say, very well done on the revision! You took a good story and made it even better. Basically, you rock!

[copperbadge.livejournal.com]

I think also Ian is obviously Non because he's obviously me :D I'll be interested to hear from people who are new to my journal about whether that's the case, though, because I'm not by any means positive of it.

I'm so glad people are having less trouble telling everyone apart :)

[madripoor-rose.livejournal.com]

Applauds....but joining the chorus that Tanya/Bo needs more closure.

[alexiel-neesan.livejournal.com]

I have only one thing to say: when this is going into dead tree format, I'm getting it. (Also I'll make it do the rounds on my dorm floor because How So Awesome, Sam? and I'll get you new readers too)

[copperbadge.livejournal.com]

Hooray! :D I'll have to make sure to put a note on the back about where people can find the digital version for free, I know college students are poor!

[eponymousanon.livejournal.com]

I really like the symmetry in the epilogue; I do agree that the Tanya insertion's a bit awkward-- I actually went "wait where'd she come from" and scrolled back up to the part where she slunk in from the kitchens. Maybe it'd be better if she wasn't physically present? You could use the "thank god Sparks got back together with her or he'd never pull off the Smile (TM)" thread, maybe as a dialogue side-conversation between staffers instead of a "oh look it's Tanya" internal monologue? That'd bring the issue forward more, give it a bit more exposure, without cluttering up the scenery with extra bodies.

Also I don't know what kerning is (I assume it's some sort of embedded imagery thingy for powerpoints?) so that might be a throwaway geek joke there.

Those minor quibbles aside, I really like this story. It's different from what you'd written previous to this, but I can actually kind of see the influence this exercise in writing interpersonal interactions and complex intrigues had on your White Collar fic now. I can't wait to have the dead-tree version in hand; if you've got it typeset by Christmas it's going under the tree for a few of my friends. If not, you have until my best friend's birthday in April :D

[copperbadge.livejournal.com]

I think, given the additions I've just put into 16, Tanya will probably work better now, she's not coming so far out of left field. Here's hoping it works, right? I'm so glad you've been enjoying it despite its flaws, though!

[lusse-kun.livejournal.com]

ok, wow, first off: Wonderful! I enjoyed it the first time around and the second one was even better, I'm enamored of your writing. You rock Sam!

I agree with a lot of the comments made, I could definitively tell the characters apart, and they came across as well rounded (at least to me) I absolutely adore Sparks.forever and ever.
Also I loved how "quotable" it turned out, I really like when books have little phrases that you just want to keep with you forever and CG has a lot of them.
Now, I had a little bit of trouble at some point around the beginning-to-middle part where the plot wasn't yet well set. It seemed to me that the wonder about who's Non wasn't enough to really keep the interest (I lost my focus a couple of time, but the competition were the new Glee songs, so, yeah) It's not that you lost me completely, but I wavered. a tiny bit.
In regards to the obviousness of Ian being Non, I guess that anyone who follows your blog could tell almost right away (sorry >_>), Ian seemed like a projection of yourself, but not in a bad way, I though it was kind of adorable actually, and anyone who's not part of the café wouldn't notice a thing.

Anyway, it's an awesome book, I had a great time reading it, it's a book I would recommend, and I would re-read for sure...and I plan to.

did I mention that I adore Spark?

[copperbadge.livejournal.com]

I'm so glad you enjoyed it! Yeah, pretty much anyone who reads the blog can tell Ian is going to end up being Non, but I'm hoping some strangers will have more trouble :D I suppose we'll see!

I had so much fun with Sparks. He's my favourite kind of character: he knows who he is and what he stands for and wants, and on the surface he's all bubbly cheer but underneath there's real depth, and only a few people get to see that.

[lil-fangirl.livejournal.com]

Okay, so my love for Bo Sparks reaches beyond the known (and unknown) universe. I swear he is my perfect man :D

I think the new pacing in this draft is fantabulous and much less 'nothing, nothing, nothing, EVERYTHING', all the characters are a lot easier to get your head round and i love Sarah in particular.

I love the new Tanya stuff. I do however agree that her appearance in the epilogue was odd. It's not so much her being there as that i don't think Sparks would have taken her back. It might just be me and my huge Sparks love making me bias, but i can't see him being so okay with everything so soon after it happened. Not without at least some groveling from her.

In general though; Congrats on another great story and is it my imagination or did you use Sparks first name more in this draft? If so, i like it, it makes him more human.

[copperbadge.livejournal.com]

I'm glad the pacing works better! I slaved on that :D

It's becoming increasingly obvious that I need to somehow fix the Tanya thing in the epilogue. Perhaps I need to put her into the super-short chapter sixteen.

I did use Bo more often in this draft -- I also gave him a lot more scenes from his POV :)

[athousanderrors.livejournal.com]

I love this.

I started reading the first draft, but I think I was distracted at the time, and the influx of HI THIS IS AN ENSEMBLE PIECE, LET ME SHOW YOU THEM threw me off. They seem much more obviously individual in this draft, and it really was a joy to read.

I have to admit, I did have fun picking out the, "ohai, R!" moments. Bless him.

Edit: Er, also, I figured out Ian was Non fairly early on; though I don't know if that's because I could see hints of you in Ian, and you blog. Really, my thought process went, "Ian = Sam. Well of COURSE he's going to turn out to be Non..." It wasn't obvious in a bad way - it was nice to have it confirmed in the end, and it was lovely watching everyone scrabble around trying to work out who the blogger was. But yes. It's not particularly difficult to work out. :)

Also the 2nd - I adore Bo. I want to work for SparkVision. It seems like the most fun company ever.

[copperbadge.livejournal.com]

I'm so glad that this draft worked better for you -- that was a huge sticking point with me during the rewrite, the ENSEMBLE PIECE IN YOUR FACE nature of it :D

[bad-angle.livejournal.com]

I loved this. Which is why I got caught up reading all of it in one afternoon when I ought to be editing a coffeeshop concert (god, it's an hour, I've never edited a full hour before, why did I agree to this?), writing a project diary for the past month (hush now, I am only a couple of days behind), and re-writing the treatment for the ten minute movie I am making for class (along with five others).

I knew from the first chapter that Ian would turn out to be Non. But I do think that is because I know that Ian is you with a tiny helping of Ianto, and you blog. So. Also, I think it's because of the joined canons that I know we both come from. The receptionists are always overlooked and awesome.

I disliked the kitchen moment, both in the epilogue and the first chapter. It comes off as slightly grating, two receptionists telling trained professionals how to do their jobs. But I get why it's there, both of the times.

[copperbadge.livejournal.com]

I'm glad you liked it, and I hope it was a good break for you from work :D The Non thing is...yeah, obvious to my readers, I think, but hopefully will be less so to strangers coming to the book :)

I didn't look at the kitchen moment as that, precisely, but I can see how it would come off that way -- the second one is really just there to parallel the first, so perhaps I can work something different in.

[the-luna-nymph.livejournal.com]

I didn't read the first draft of this, because I think I was busy writing my master's paper or something, but I *really* enjoyed this draft. There were moments when I got some of the characters confused, but I tend to do that with any ensemble in a non-visual format, and overall by the end they were pretty distinct characters to me.

Like some of the others have said, I would have like to see a little bit more of the fallout from Tanya and Sparks, but I don't know where that would fit in smoothly and really, that's as much just because I found their dynamic really interesting and wanted to see more of it.

Also, the fact that you have essentially written a fictional autobiography is kind of awesome!

[copperbadge.livejournal.com]

I'm so glad you enjoyed it! And yeah, the Tanya thing needs work -- I'm sure I can slip it in somehow, perhaps in the super-short chapter sixteen :D Here's hoping...

[chicleeblair.livejournal.com]

I really love this, and felt that this version was a ton better. For some reason I still have trouble telling Erin and Roxy apart, because they don't have unique functions in the larger plot as much, but that's me.

Honestly, I didn't care that I knew that Ian was Non. The characters didn't; that was what mattered

[copperbadge.livejournal.com]

I'm glad you enjoyed it! :)

I have to say I'm with you a bit on not caring that Ian is obviously Non. I mean, in a way I seriously do, but it's the arc and not the reveal that matters to me when I read something, so I totally get that :)

[zanetun.livejournal.com]

Okay, I was iffy on this at first. I wasn't even sure I was going to read it. But I started in on it (the cake was what really decided me, I had to know about the cake), and absolutely fell in love.

Some of this is semi-autobiographical, isn't it? Especially the Zeke/Ian things. I loved picking things out from Copperbadge.

I agree with the others: I feel that Tanya is a somewhat weak character, epsecially when paired with such a dynamic character as Sparks.

Overall, though, the pace is engaging, the plot fascinating, and the characters amazing. I will definitely be abusing my credit card a little more for a dead-tree copy of this.

You never cease to amaze, Sam.

[copperbadge.livejournal.com]

I'm so glad you ended up enjoying it! And I will remember that the cake lured you in :D

A bunch of it is semi-autobiographical, yeah -- either stuff that's happened to me or stories I've heard from other NFP professionals.

Trent and Tanya, I think, are the two weakest characters from a writing standpoint *nods* I think possibly giving Tanya that last word in chapter sixteen may help a bit.

[(Anonymous)]

So I just had a thought that may fall into the major structural overhaul category but I'll share it anyway.

Maybe it's because I read your blog and was expecting it, but Ian's Great Confession doesn't seem like a--well, like a Great Confession. If you revealed it to the readers a bit earlier, you could include some more build up about oh crap I'm screwed on his part, although the scene with Zeke is very nice. For that matter, you don't even have to include his name for that, just 'he went home and freaked out.'

[copperbadge.livejournal.com]

I did consider at one point doing an early reveal to the readers, but I kind of like the sense of impending doom without knowing really what quarter it's going to hit. We're definitely experimenting along the same lines, though!

[sanura.livejournal.com]

God, I thought the first run was good. There is so much more plot, and Ian is even more amazing. Everyone is so much easier to tell apart now. Honestly. I do think it is truly excellently better, re: ensemble. You know this, everyone is telling you it. However, a problem remains: there are so many women I'm still occasionally confused, especially between Erin and Roxy and Naomi, even though I know they have different jobs (and there seems to be some Erin and Roxy POV). Off the top of my head, having JUST finished reading, I'm going to attempt to remember them all and see if that tells me anything about who's underwritten.

Sarah's easy to pin down as an intern-scaring dragon lady type without it diminishing the possibility of her roundness as a character, and I know Naomi does the dress and shoes thing, and Erin handles the donors, and Roxy... um, I forgot. Vicky is the formerly-Hanna made-of-awesome Sam-in-training. Jess I can remember because of the hair and the teacherness, and Cee because of her banter with Sparks and the engagement subplot. John, btw, I only perceive as a personality because of his facepalm when the SparkVISION rescue team arrives. Otherwise I just put him in a "writer" box. Oh yeah, Anna! How could I forget the whistleblower? Her defining characteristics seem to be that she screams when she's revising (or maybe also when she's writing) and dates douchebags. Melinda is someone's girlfriend, but I can't remember whose...

God, there are so many women. I am all for ensemble casts, really really I am. My favorite shows, books, and fics all have that feature to at least some degree. But maybe either combine a couple of them (which perhaps is unreasonable to ask because in fact it is a small company where everyone knows each other, and if you eliminate positions it doesn't work for reasons of corporate realism) or foreground some more and others less.

Relatedly, I've read your protests that visual description is hard to incorporate without it feeling totally lame, and I think it's immensely improved on this round. However, I could still ask for more. I JUST read the whole thing, and all I can bring to mind visually about the characters is that Naomi is blonde and Vicky is short. Inability to visualize (or ability to...

Crap! Zoe! There's a Zoe too, and she has a kid and a husband and they play D&D. She's well-differentiated, I just forgot about her partially because I can't remember what she does and partially because of what I was just in the middle of talking about. Back to that:

I like being able to determine the visualization of book characters myself, but with such a huge and consistently across-the-board witty ensemble, it's easier to follow if there's more differentiation, and physical descriptors are a convenient way to solve the problem. Looking back again, they do all have mannerisms and personalities, it's just harder to attribute them to individuals when there are soooo many.

Salt, salt, take it. I may just suck at remembering women. The book is good. Not just that, BETTER. You're amazing. I wish I could be you, even if I broke my wrist.

[copperbadge.livejournal.com]

This was actually really helpful as a rundown, despite me not responding sooner (longer comments I tend to take and use and forget to reply to *facepalm*). It's much appreciated!

[laleia.livejournal.com]

When reading through the new draft, I wasn't sure if I would notice too many differences (I'm not very good at noticing small things), but I do feel overall that this second draft is much more fleshed out. A lot of relationships are more textually and subtextually explored, which is great! I loved it and found it highly amusing. Great job!

[copperbadge.livejournal.com]

Thanks! I'm so glad you enjoyed it :)

[nakki.livejournal.com]

SOOOOOoooo GOOOOD.

I like the pacing of this version much better, the introduction of the characters went much more smoothly and I actually remember who they all are and what they are doing!

I think one way of fixing the whole "Tanya seems out of place in the epilogue" issue is maybe playing up the fact that all the spouses/SO's are attending, so point out Mark a bit more and have Melinda there too. That might make Tanya less out of place.

[copperbadge.livejournal.com]

I do think the pacing was better on this -- perhaps not as good as I would have liked, but better anyway :D

Part of fixing Tanya will be putting her into chapter sixteen somewhere, but yeah, possibly making a Gathering Of Partners would help too.

[tree00faery.livejournal.com]

Joining the "Sooo goood" train here. This version was much easier to follow, but all the things I liked about it are still here.

Definitely buying the book of this for winter-holiday-gifts for people. I (subtly) double-checked with a friend yesterday who I know loves your fic, and she hadn't/hasn't read CG yet, so hopefully I can surprise her.

Congrats on the fabulous re-write!

[copperbadge.livejournal.com]

Yay, I'm glad you liked it! :D And thrilled to hear it'll be Christmas gifts :)

[(Anonymous)]

I don't think I really have anything intelligent to say that hasn't already been mentioned by someone else. So I'll just help to boost your spirits/ego a bit by telling you how much I enjoyed reading this :)
-Ro

[jkivela.livejournal.com]

Loved it. I didn't have time to read the first draft, so this was all new to me. It was a lot like West Wing, good story, big money and gov. issues, but with plenty of character plots around it all. Nothing stuck out as jarring to me, a good story.

[copperbadge.livejournal.com]

Thank you! I'm so glad you liked it :)

[redacerose.livejournal.com]

I feel the need to turn this into Kindle format, so I can pass it around in the lunchroom at work. Would that be okay? I must advertise the awesome!

My favourite part is the gingerbread house and I can't understand why more people didn't mention it. The email back-and-forth had me in tears of laughter!

Reading your blog it's obvious how much work and dedication all of CG has taken. It shows. It's brilliant, as always. :)

[copperbadge.livejournal.com]

LOL! Hold off a few weeks till it's published and then there will be a better file for you to convert, plus you can link people to the purchase page :D I'm glad you enjoyed it!

[abraxas-life.livejournal.com]

So I think Erin, Naomi, and Vicky are my favorites now (other than Bo, of course) which is so strange and cool, because I don't remember caring all that much about them any of the times I read the first draft!

Really really enjoyed reading this. I'm going to cherish the physical copy to a truly silly degree.

[copperbadge.livejournal.com]

Aw, I'm glad the girls are gettin' some love -- Erin's one of my favourites, and I love Vicky to pieces. :)