Trace, Chapter Nine

[copperbadge.livejournal.com]

Chapter Nine

The lights had gone out around midnight. When they did, Colin had struggled up further in the bed; he couldn't leave it -- the orderly's bindings were in place -- but there should be no reason he'd have to. He'd promised Joseph not to touch Galano, and there was no point in chasing if Galano ran. Colin was bait, not warrior. Gutierrez and Laney were there, and Laney was flush with newfound power; they'd just have to do it without him. The point was to do it.

"How's your mojo?" he asked Gutierrez, as their eyes adjusted to the dark. The infirmary had been dimly lit before; now, with the office and hallway lights off and the floodlights off outside, it was pitch black. Colin imagined he could feel his pupils dilating.

"Not this good," Gutierrez answered in the darkness, and there was the sound of a chair scraping backwards.

"Got a light?" Laney asked, humorlessly.

"Don't look at me," Colin said, and Gutierrez laughed.

"It's fine," Gutierrez said. "Hey, don't suppose you could call your amante, huh?"

Colin closed his eyes. There was a hum of power rising, most of it normally obscured by the electric lights and machines, now a soundless whine in the stillness. It was hard to push through the thick, cloying air to find Joseph, but he managed; Joseph was crouched behind a desk in the guard captain's office, his emotions spiking high on triumph and concern. Must've found something, then.

"With the power out they'll be squadding in the yard," Colin said. "They'll get guards here eventually. Not soon enough, though. And no guarantee it'll be him."

"Just us, then," Gutierrez said. Laney had wandered over to one of the barred windows and was looking down, face impassive.

"Whatcha see, Laney?" Colin called.

"Darkman riders," Laney answered, one hand gripping the bars. "Lots of 'em. Guards are mustering out, riders are there too."

"You see any soldiers?" Colin asked. Laney shook his head. "None at all?"

"They're with the prisoners," Laney answered.

"Can they keep them safe?" Gutierrez asked, surprising Colin. Laney looked back over his shoulder.

"No," he said.

"This is nice," said a third voice, and Colin widened his eyes, for all the good it would do him. Galano's voice, the nasal twang in it unmistakable. "Very literary. Big showdown," he added.

Colin heard him snap his fingers, and the lamp above them exploded in sparks that scattered around the floor and kept burning yellow long after they should have winked out. Galano stood in their shattered-glass glow, arms crossed, hair hanging in lank strings over his forehead. He looked irritatingly smug. "Hiya, Colin."

"Galano," Colin growled. Gutierrez was moving, subtly, putting himself between Colin and Galano, trying to block off Laney as well. Galano turned to look at him and waved a hand; the little shards of light flared bright. Gutierrez froze.

"You were afraid of power back when you put me here," Galano said, looking back at Colin. "Don't know why I thought you'd be any different in prison, snitch."

"Least he don't poison the food," Laney said, and Galano turned slowly to face him. He'd acquired a pair of guard's boots from somewhere, and the glass ground loudly beneath them when he took a step.

"You, I don't know," he said.

"Don't care," Laney replied. Galano grinned. He cocked his head at Gutierrez.

"You're a pair of strange bodyguards," he said. "You're -- "

"Leonel Gutierrez," he said.

"The saint who talks to God," Galano observed.

"No saints in prison," Laney murmured.

"That's a nice scam if you can pull it off. I applaud your initiative, Colin," Galano said.

"It's not mine," Colin replied. "And it's not a scam. Why'd you come, Galano? Bring me flowers?"

"I know you're gunning for me. Which is okay, I'm gunning for you, too. Now we could be civilized about this; we ain't in the same block. No reason to go messing each other up."

"Except you poison the food," Gutierrez said.

"You keep out of this."

"It's our food too."

Galano glared at him; Gutierrez stood his ground.

"It's true, though," Colin said.

"Fuck you, Byrne," Galano snarled.

Colin sighed, bluffing boredom even as he was studying Galano's defensiveness. He didn't think the man could control the power he had, didn't think Galano could stop if he wanted to. Galano could put the power to use -- but only because it was that or surrender to it completely, and Galano didn't want to starve to death.

All of which made it the perfect taunt. "Galano, why do this?" Colin asked. "What's the point?"

"You know why," Galano said, grinning. The room was already cast in shadow, but now they were moving, bodies forming in the darkness, riders for the Darkman beginning to coalesce. Galano tipped his head at them. "New Mexico's gonna look like a fucking picnic compared to what I got planned."

"Ain't your plan," Laney said suddenly, and Galano turned to him again.

"Shut your mouth -- "

"Ain't your plan," Laney repeated, like the whole thing was dawning on him. He was watching the riders moving in the shadows. "Darkman, he made you do this. Ain't your plan. Darkman told you. What, he get tired of eating kiddies?"

"Shut up!" Galano roared.

"Guess you're just a tool after all," Colin said. "What'd he give you to set this up? What do you get out of it?"

Galano looked at him, grinning, and took a step closer to the bed. "And why do you care, Colin? We all know why you're here, and it isn't the poisoned food or the hit the Italians put on me. They're next when I'm through with you, by the way," he added. His eyes swept Gutierrez and Laney. "You boys know the real reason Suicide here wants me dead, don't you?"

Laney, who'd spent a lot less time being lied to in prison than Gutierrez, glanced at the older man. Gutierrez's hands curled slowly.

"Doesn't matter," he said.

"Oh, I think it does," Galano replied. "Did you tell them about Grace, Colin?" he asked, then continued before Colin could answer -- but his mouth was too dry to answer anyway. "Grace was his woman on the outside," Galano continued.

"I know that," Gutierrez said patiently.

"This is some bullshit, we -- " Laney started, but Galano snapped his fingers and one of the little glass shards zipped through the air, slicing a narrow gash along Laney's arm. "Ow, motherfucker."

"Grace," Galano repeated loudly, "was his woman on the outside. Pretty thing, too pretty to wait for her boyfriend. We ran together for a while, but you know how it is." He grinned. "We fell out over business. I think he tells people she overdosed, doesn't he? Truth is, I picked her up and when I didn't need her anymore, I dropped her." His grin widened. "Off a bridge. And you can't prove it," he sing-songed.

"Suicide?" Gutierrez prompted, without looking away from Galano. "This true? That why you're here?"

"Yeah," Colin said, unashamed.

"He killed Grace?" Gutierrez continued. "And you...?"

"Lied," Colin admitted. "Tipped off the police about the case once I knew it was him, so they'd send me here. I knew they'd send me back. Took a while to figure it out, or I'd have paid a call sooner," he added to Galano.

"And now I want you," Galano said to Colin, "to get out of bed and face me like a man and we'll see if you're capable of killing too."

Galano, whatever else he might be, hadn't been an inmate for more than a few months, not that much longer than Laney. He hadn't learned the thing that kept you alive in prison, hadn't had to yet. It only came with time, but it was learn or die: no taunt, no insult to pride, no assault to the body could be met with anger and rebellion, not if it came from someone stronger or more powerful. It was easy enough to look on Galano in this light, for Colin; he'd learned humility in prison, or at least he'd learned to fake it. And he couldn't kill Galano himself. He'd promised Joseph. He kept his anger under control.

"You killed his woman?" Laney asked Galano.

Galano, looking smug, nodded. "It was just business. Shame, she was a great fuck."

"He's lying," Colin said evenly. "He's lying now, they never fucked."

Laney glanced briefly at Gutierrez. "But he killed her."

"Yeah," Gutierrez said. "One more reason to take care of this problem now."

Galano looked surprised at this. Gutierrez grinned.

"You don't get gangs, do you?" he asked. "You mess with one of us, you screw with all of us."

Colin felt a jolt of something, some sharp strong emotion, and identified it as Joseph.

"Gutierrez?" he said.

"Si, mijo," Gutierrez answered.

"Mi amante viene de prisa."

"You want a fight, bring it on," Galano said, and uncrossed his arms. He raised his left hand and the little glowing shards of very sharp glass lifted up off the floor. The light shifted over Galano's face as they rose, throwing his scar into sharp relief, shadowing his eyes. Colin reached for the heavy bottle of disinfectant on the table next to his bed.

Before he could throw it, before Galano could make another move, Gutierrez charged forward, darting around one of the little glowing shards, and shoved bodily into Galano. The impact clearly startled him; it pushed him back into some of the glass and tumbled both of them to the ground. Galano screamed in pain.

Gutierrez pinned him with his knees across Galano's shoulders and Laney dove in, holding down his wrists, knees skidding in the glass while Colin watched helplessly from the bed. The shadows came forward, the Darkman's riders with their hands on their batons --

"In the name of God I cast you out," Gutierrez said. The riders stopped, tilting their heads, curious looks on their washed-out faces. "In the name of God I cast you out!"

"Exorcism?" Galano laughed breathlessly, but he screamed again when Gutierrez ground him down into the glass shards, and the riders began to back away. "Seriously, you think I'm possessed?"

"No," Gutierrez said. Colin struggled against the restraints, trying to see clearly what was going on. "You are the evil. In the name of God, I cast you out -- "

Galano's third scream was cut off by a new voice: Joseph, bellowing Colin's name as he burst into the infirmary. The door flew off its hinges and the noise distracted Laney for just long enough. Galano jerked his wrists out of Laney's grasp and bucked, flipping Gutierrez off his shoulders with a manic twist. He rolled through the glass to his feet while Laney was still trying to get upright, while Gutierrez gasped for breath with the wind knocked out of him.

Galano turned to face the new threat; Joseph's baton was already in his hand, almost two feet of wicked black steel alloy, cocked at an angle from his body. The riders in the shadows were giving him a wide berth.

"Hands up, all of you," Joseph barked. Behind Galano, Gutierrez was struggling to his feet; Laney had his hands out at his sides, but not nearly as submissive as he was pretending.

A smug grin crossed Galano's face as he raised his hands. The glowing glass shards orbiting around him lifted in sync with his palms --

"Down!" Colin yelled, as Galano twisted just enough to send the broken glass hurtling through the air towards Joseph. Laney grunted as one passed right through his chest; Gutierrez dodged another as he stood.

Joseph didn't duck. He didn't move at all. A dozen pinpricks of light should have shredded him to nothing, but they blinked out and fell whenever they got too close. Joseph himself seemed dimmer somehow, greyed out against the light -- protected by the shadow. Galano stared, stunned; Gutierrez saw his chance and lunged, but this time his arms passed right through Galano's throat. Colin made a frustrated, aggressive noise and tried to roll out of the bed again, but it held him fast.

Galano and Joseph were circling each other now, the room dimmed almost to darkness, only a few shards of glass still lit. Laney was clutching his chest, trying to stay upright; Gutierrez was watching Galano, crouching, waiting for his chance, but somehow Galano always seemed to be on the far side of Joseph when an opportunity arose.

"Mijo, I don't think exorcism is going to work," Gutierrez called, without taking his eyes off Galano. "If you wanted to come up with a plan now would be a really good time."

"I'll let you know," Colin answered. "Joseph, be careful -- "

Joseph swung and managed a hit on Galano's upper arm; Galano swore and danced backwards, cradling it against his chest. Joseph grinned viciously, teeth bared. Colin leaned out over the bed, reaching, straining. He could almost touch one of the madly vibrating shards of glass --

"Give up now, Galano," Joseph insisted, as if this was an ordinary out-of-bounds prisoner recapture. Colin was so close to the glass, but it slipped through his fingers, leaving them bloody.

"Your boys came after me first," Galano snarled back. "This is between me and them."

"That's not what it looked like when you had a knife on Colin," Joseph said, and swung again. The baton passed through part of Galano's chest and then lodged there. There was no blood, and it didn't look like there was any pain -- Colin watched, horrified, as Galano jerked his body back and took Joseph with him, still holding the baton. Joseph wouldn't let go. Instead he telescoped it in, shoving it so that the blunt ends of the segments slammed into Galano's body.

Galano staggered, right into Gutierrez, who caught him in a bear hug and twisted, trying to haul him away from Joseph. Colin struggled harder and finally one of the shards danced into his fingers; he brought it down in a slash, cutting the bed open, and threw his body sideways, tumbling to the ground.

Gutierrez was struggling with Galano; Laney was on his other side, eyes red and unblinking, arm around Galano's shoulder in a wrestling hold, bleeding chest pressed up against his side. In the shadows there was more movement now; some of Guye's soldiers had joined the fight and were holding back the riders, if only just. Joseph kept trying to get a hand on Galano, but his fists passed straight through every time. His shadow was dancing along the floor, snagging on broken glass on the ground, flickering in and out; Colin saw it as he ran forward, broken glass crunching under his feet.

He could feel distant pain and slickness underfoot, but there was no time to be delicate; when he reached Joseph he bent in a swift effortless motion and passed his hand through Joseph's second shadow. The blood on his fingers caught it and tugged it free.

Colin yelled "Gutierrez!" and shoved Joseph's shadow into one open, grasping hand while Laney struggled with Galano. Joseph stiffened and his whole body jerked when the shadow separated; Gutierrez grasped it and pulled it up to Galano's face. Laney caught the other side, tugging it tight across his head as if they could suffocate him with it.

Colin became aware of the pain in his hand, the bleeding cuts on his feet, and of a ringing silence in the room, a sudden stillness. Joseph grabbed the baton again and yanked up, hard; it jerked through Galano's ribcage with a crunch. Galano screamed against the shadow on his face as Gutierrez and Laney pulled it tight against his mouth. His body went limp, suddenly, and Gutierrez and Galano went backwards together, Laney staggering to one side, clutching his wound.

When Galano hit the ground, he shattered.

White crystals and translucent shards scattered over Gutierrez's legs, over Joseph's boots, bounced off Colin's bare ankles and Laney's canvas shoes. Glass and salt poured down. Gutierrez scrambled away, horror on his face. Joseph bent to help him up and Gutierrez raised a hand, thrusting the shadow straight into Joseph's chest. His hand went in up to the wrist before he pulled it back.

Joseph gasped on a long inhale and stumbled backwards a few feet before he doubled over, dry hacking coughs shaking his body. He dropped to his knees in the middle of the white spray on the floor, arms around his ribcage. All Colin could hear were Laney's harsh breaths and Joseph's choking gasps.

He shuffled forward, leaving bloody streaks on the floor, and crouched next to Joseph. Joseph shook as Colin wrapped an arm around his chest and held tightly, murmuring apologies and soothing nonsense until the wracking coughs had passed.

One by one, the unbroken lights flickered back to life. If there had been riders or soldiers left, they were gone now. Colin swept every corner with his eyes, just to be sure, before he turned back to Gutierrez.

"I'm sorry," he said to him, one hand absently smoothing Joseph's hair.

"You should have just told us," Gutierrez replied. "We would have helped you."

"Old habits," Colin answered, looking down. Next to him, Joseph gave one last dry, hacking cough, and tried to stand. Colin got a shoulder under his arm and helped him up.

"Well," Laney said, skin greying out, blood dripping down his shirt. "This is a fucking mess."

***

Laney had torn up knees and a hole in his chest that needed stitches, but apparently the glass that passed through him like a bullet hadn't done too much harm. Gutierrez was sliced up, all along his arms and legs, and the doctor said he was dangerously dehydrated. Colin sat on the edge of his own bed, right wrist cuffed to the restraint rail, and let an orderly bandage his left hand and his feet, watching as another ran an IV into Gutierrez's arm.

Joseph, once he'd stopped coughing, had cuffed Colin to one bed and Laney to another, then gone back and helped Gutierrez out of the minefield of broken glass around him. He'd left his baton lying in the middle of the heap of glass and salt, ripped off his radio belt with something like terror, and run to get the night-shift orderlies, who'd been huddled in a secure barred room at the far end of the infirmary floor. It had taken a good five minutes to talk them into giving aid; now, Colin could feel him on the other side of the wall, pacing back and forth as he talked on the phone.

The orderly that had been treating him placed one last strip of tape on the bandages on his feet and then stood up. Colin rattled his handcuff a little, a wordless plea to be released, but the man just walked away and came back with a broom and a dustpan. Colin and Gutierrez both watched, dull-eyed, as he swept up the glass and salt.

"That was interesting," Gutierrez said conversationally. Colin turned to stare at him; Gutierrez laughed first, but once he did, Colin joined in. "I think we won."

"Yeah, I think so," Colin agreed. The orderlies carefully ignored them. "Leonel -- "

"Suicide, shut up," Gutierrez told him. Colin smiled a little. "Look, we needed him gone. Doesn't matter why. He killed your girl, he poisoned the food, eh..." he wavered a hand. "Six of one, half-dozen of another. Now, you want to explain yourself to Laney, maybe he's not so inclined to be forgiving."

"One way to find out," Colin said. "Hey Laney! Laney!"

"Shut uuuuup," Laney groaned, burying his face in a pillow. They must have him on something good.

Joseph came through the doorway, interrupting their discussion. He looked down briefly the door, lying on its edge against the wall where someone had dragged it after Joseph had somehow blown it off its hinges. He bent to examine it, and Gutierrez leaned over to Colin.

"You getting out of here, Suicide?" he asked softly.

Colin nodded. "Tell Noel I said goodbye."

"Ah man, he knew he wouldn't see you again. He said to tell you he'd find you on the outside."

"Good," Colin said. He glanced at Laney. "Say sorry to Laney for me."

"No problem. He'll understand."

"You'll be okay?" Colin asked.

"Oh, yeah. Couple of days of Club Med Ward, I'll be good," Gutierrez said. "Hey, have a beer for me on the outside."

"Sure. And tell Laney to keep an eye on Noel."

Gutierrez laughed. "Sure thing."

Colin looked away from him as Joseph picked his way through the last remaining shards of glass towards them. The lines on his face were deeper than usual; he seemed about twenty years older, but he stopped at Gutierrez's bed and spoke softly with him before coming around to Colin. Colin could see salt and glass in his pant cuffs.

"Can you walk?" Joseph asked.

"It's past one in the morning," Colin pointed out.

"There's a car already on its way. Can you get there from here or do I carry you?" Joseph asked. Colin looked up at him and then quickly, quietly, slipped his wrist out of the restraint. He stood with caution, testing his feet gingerly -- and yeah, they hurt, but not badly enough to keep him here if Joseph wanted him to leave. He slung an arm around Joseph's shoulders and limped past Gutierrez and Laney, through the infirmary door. Outside, the orderly was dumping the dustpan into a trash bin.

"What happened here?" Joseph asked Colin softly, as they walked down the hall.

"You really want to know that?" Colin asked, by way of reply. Joseph seemed to think about it; as they drew close to the exit gate, he shook his head.

"Maybe not," he agreed. The guard at the gate nodded at Colin questioningly. Joseph dug in his pocket and shoved a wad of paperwork through the bars. "Release order. He's in my custody."

The guard studied the papers and then looked up, seemingly about to object. Colin glanced sidelong and saw Joseph's eyes almost black with the shade.

The door swung open.

"You get what you came in for?" Colin asked, limping along the cold linoleum of the outer corridor.

"Yep. Photos of the ledger and a list of names. It'll be enough," Joseph answered, his hand warm on Colin's hip, shoulders steady under his arm.

They passed through two more checkpoints -- a guard station and the exterior door -- before they made it outside. A police car from Railburg Township was waiting for them, a uniform officer at the wheel. Joseph helped Colin into the back and then tore off his stab vest, tossing it into the front seat before he climbed into the back with Colin.

"Get us the fuck out of here," he said, and they pulled away.

Colin felt sharp pinpricks all over as they passed the guardhouse, got their paperwork checked again, and rolled out onto the backroad that serviced the prison. He coughed hard into his hands, twice, and felt something rise in his throat; after he spat it out he lowered his palms and studied the little origami crane he'd coughed up.

He offered it to Joseph, who flattened it carefully and tucked it into his pocket. Colin leaned against him, heavily, suddenly so tired.

"Let's get to a hospital," Joseph said, and the driver nodded at him in the rear-view mirror. Joseph took out his phone and made a call; Colin, head on his shoulder, could hear Joseph's precinct answer on the other end.

"This is Joseph Wright," he said, giving his badge number quickly. "I need an unmarked car and a driver at Railburg County Hospital to pick up myself and my case consultant. We'll also need someone to retrieve my car -- it's parked in the bus lot in town."

"Dispatching now," the voice said. "Anything else I can do for you, Detective Wright?"

"Do you know if my Captain's there?" Joseph asked. "I need to make sure the photos I emailed made it through."

"Hold please, I'll check," the voice told him. Colin turned his face, yawning into Joseph's shoulder. "No one's picking up, Detective, but I checked with Evidence and they say they know what you're talking about. Have you removed Mr. Byrne from custody?"

"Only mostly," Joseph replied. "He needs medical attention."

"Sir, can I ask what happened?"

Joseph sighed. "A lot. Anything else you need from me?"

"No, Detective. We'll have that car out for you, should be arriving in about an hour."

"Thanks. I'll check in," Joseph said, and hung up. The cop in the front seat glanced at them in the mirror, but Colin saw Joseph catch the glance, and knew that Joseph would handle it; he was good at handling things.

The bright spotlights of the prison receded behind them, eventually, and sleep ran over him like a shadow.

***

Morning found Colin released from the hospital with a clean bill of health, aside from cuts and bruises, and waking alone in Joseph and Analise's bed, wearing a pair of Joseph's pajamas. He pushed himself upright, groaning. When he drew his feet up, the bandages rasped against the sheets, and the soles of his feet throbbed with pain, dull and constant. His hand hurt too, but only when he pressed on the bandages over the wounds.

He could hear Joseph moving around outside the bedroom but he couldn't reach out and find him anymore, had no sense of where he was or what he was feeling. He could hear Analise too, her tread a little lighter than Joseph's, probably coming down the hall from the kitchen. She elbowed the door open with a cup of tea in one hand -- he could smell it from the bed, all his senses still overly sharp -- and a small bowl in the other.

"You're up," she said, looking pleased. "How do you feel?"

"Thank you," he said, accepting the tea. She sat on the edge of the bed while he blew on the surface of the tea to cool it, sipping cautiously. "I'm okay. Might be a little slow for a while."

"And here I didn't think anything could slow you down," she said, stroking his hair. She seemed troubled, despite her light tone. He set the tea aside and gave her a questioning look.

"Joseph won't talk about it," she said.

"I can, if you want," he answered warily. "But I don't think you want to know."

"Maybe later." She offered him the little plastic bowl she'd brought with her. In the bottom was a small pile of white crystal. "This came out of his shoes."

Colin studied it. "Salt?"

"I think so." Analise leaned in close. "The second shadow's gone. Thank God."

"It's okay. It wasn't...bad," Colin said, stirring the salt with a finger. It was cold. "Throw this out. Far from the house. My prison clothes too. Get rid of them."

She nodded. "Are you okay? Really?"

"I will be," he said, and then on impulse added, "I need to tell you about my name."

"Your name?" she asked, curiosity in her eyes. They were ordinary eyes; no fortunes in them, no shade. He smiled and let his gaze linger on them for a moment.

"My name's not Colin," he said eventually, lifting one of her hands and tracing his bandaged thumb along her palm. "I mean -- my mother named me Colm. You need to know and tell Joseph. Colm. C-O-L-M."

"Why -- "

"I'll tell you sometime, just, someone needs to know," he said, and shivered. "I'm not going back to prison again. It's too much. Don't let Joseph send me back there, ever."

She stroked his hair with her free hand. "Why do you think we do this? The point is to keep you out. Besides, I don't think he could. Whatever he knows, it scares him. Not you," she added, because she could obviously see Colin panicking -- wondering how much Joseph knew about the lies he'd told to get to Railburg, about the man whose death he'd orchestrated. "Whatever it did -- to him, to you -- he wouldn't. But I'll make sure," she added, and Colin nodded and let go of her hand. "Joseph said to tell you the ledger is going to blow the ring wide open."

"Good," Colin said. "Does he need me?"

"No. Sleep a little, if you want," she added, and picked up the bowl of salt from the blankets. He eased back down against the pillow, but he didn't close his eyes.

"Colm," he said.

"Colm," she repeated, and kissed him. "Sleep."

He waited until she was gone, listening for a while to the sounds of them going about their lives -- Analise's footsteps, the slam of a door, Joseph's voice on the phone. He closed his eyes against the pain in his hand, the throb in his feet and the sick feeling from the last of the prison food he'd eaten. It would be gone soon. That was all that mattered.

"Goodbye, Grace," he murmured, closing his eyes.

Epilogue.

Comments

[dreamwaffles.livejournal.com]

This was quite well-done; the fight scene flowed very nicely, in a way I'm totally not used to, but it really worked with the story. I'm not really sure what was different about it, but it was very good.

I know I'm supposed to be confused about the Darkman possession, and that part's fine, but I almost missed the part about Guye's soldiers turning up to help. I think you only mentioned it once, and if I hadn't gone back to look, I would have wound up thinking that they'd ditched Laney for this particular battle. It was confusing until I went back and looked.

The whole shattering-into-salt thing was very creepy, and very effective.

The final scene, at Joseph's and Analise's house, felt kind of rushed.

I also read the epilogue, and the epilogue looks good! Thanks for turning this into a longer story, I loved Without A Trace, and this is just...even more awesome.

Overall story notes: I can still see the White Collar roots even without squinting, but that's not necessarily a problem. I know that it's going to go through another edit anyway, so I'm not worried about it. There's some similar themes, and this stands alone as a story no problem. Well done!

(have you had any further thoughts on what you're going to do for your title?)

[dreamwaffles.livejournal.com]

...omg first comment! O.o

[copperbadge.livejournal.com]

Late reply is laaaate, but I'm working through the last of the feedback on Trace and wanted to say thanks for the suggestions. I get the feeling chapter nine's going to need a lot of work...

No thoughts on titles yet. Trace seems to fit so well, even while being totally irrelevant...

[dreamwaffles.livejournal.com]

Well, that's what having an army of editors is for, right? XD

[lefaym.livejournal.com]

My only critical comment for this chapter is that I feel like Noel should have been in here somewhere -- he should have had some role to play, even if he wasn't there physically. He was too important in the earlier part of the narrative to only be present in a name-drop here. I DO like the not saying goodbye bit though -- that works perfectly.

[copperbadge.livejournal.com]

Late reply is SO LATE, but I'm working my way through the last of the edits and did want to say thanks for the comments. Your thoughts about Noel actually gave me kind of a doorway into heightening the tension on the final chapter :)

[lefaym.livejournal.com]

Yay, glad to be helpful. :)

Also glad that you're up to the final chapter in your edits!

[abraxas-life.livejournal.com]

Well! That was rather satisfying.

That Grace and Galano thing completely startled me, I'd no idea that Colin had arranged this whole thing!

[dyingfire.livejournal.com]

Overall, this chapter does quite well. I think it's missing some references to Noel and a bit more communication among Colin, Laney and Gutierrez during the fight scene because it is dark there and what they're planning is precise. Something to explain the Darkman's plan, per Laney's assertion about it being his plan, would be good. You don't have to completely explain the Drakman's plan but some hint would be good. This is my personal opinion, though.

[brosedshield.livejournal.com]

I really like the twist (though there is confusion, so I’m just going to describe what I see, and hopefully it’s actually what you meant) that Colin tipped off the police about the embezzlement scam to GET to Galano, which I love so much (it fits the world together better). I LOVE that on a certain level, this has been Colin manipulating everyone around him from the start, because of Grace’s death.

Is she really not waiting for him, or was she waiting for him to get her revenge before she could go.?

I love this plot twist SO MUCH, because it makes so much sense, and I didn’t see it coming. That said, I want more details, more a feel of drive.

Like in the first scene…Colin knows that Joseph will come to him (I need to actually re-read that chapter, see if he does and I just missed it). So he’s waiting for the guy cheating on his wife, but he’s also waiting for for Joseph, for a mission that he knows will be harrowing, where he may have to spend all his resources to kill the man who killed the woman he loved.

The body that he saw with Joseph, that he may or may not have vomited after seeing, and the reason he told Joseph he would snitch on Galano, that body wasn’t Grace, was it? Because it didn’t feel like it, it feel like it’s a secret.

Grace is still his woman on the outside, almost, except she’s dead. It’s her memory that drives him, in many ways, to go hunting for Galano.

--
Also, your fight scene seems much too short. I like that Galano is working fro the Darkman, maybe just because he seems like a nasty piece of work. And, when the darkness offers you POWERS BEYOND IMAGINING, sometimes you take it up on it before you check the fine print.

The Darkman wants souls, minds, hearts, the closest equivalent. Guye wants the Darkman dead (that’s what I’m seeing so far) and also feels a vague connection to those who fight for betterness, that struggle. Not on the side of good, but on he side of those that battle...well, that’s no coherent.

But the fight between Colin et al. and Galano is about ALL of that, and it doesn’t seem like enough. The riders are there, and the soldiers come eventually, but and its FINE that they don’t actually interefer with the humans (because, if they could fully influence the human world, then they wouldn’t have needed a fellow like Galano to work “magic” for them, or (perhaps?) a fellow like Laney to give them focus)…

[brosedshield.livejournal.com]

Aaaaand, continued, because my thoughts were too long to fit....

Anyway, the last battle becomes VERY brief, when this moment feels like it’s supposed to be EPIC, and you also have the whole Colin can’t lay a hand on Galano. That is SUCH a minding, such a restriction, and I don’t know why he doesn’t seem more afraid about that in particular. Yes, as the mastermind he is, he has actually manipulated his friends and enemies into giving him enough power and support to destroy the man he came here to destroy (I love the image of the prison mentality: either tricking people into protecing you or proving you can beat them all, because it really exemplifies the entire finale) but I want to FEEL that more, the desperation of a man that has set up the pieces, manipulated everything as far as he can, and then knows that has to just let it fly.

Even if he’s fairly confident that things will work, he should have NERVES. Like someone who has studied for a test, is good in a subject, and then is told that the test is a day ahead. There were bound to be details, plans that he could have added to make it all work better (or if he could actually touch, attack Galano) but now, because Joseph has put this restriction on him he just CAN’T…)

This is already so epic, but I want it to be so much more epic.

The Colin-Joseph relationship is intriguing and confusing now, because, at least in the context of the Galano-Colin battle, Joseph is another weapon, another impressive force that has been “manipulated” to furthur Colin’s need for revenge/laying of Grace’s ghost (?). But in their relationship OUTSIDE of prison…I don’t think that it’s exactly that. It changes? Colin makes the choice to have it change?

Another intriguing thought: did Colin push Laney, put him in situations, protect him because he knew that he could be a focus for the soldiers, he would bring Guye into play? Did he visit Natell so that he could have influene on Laney, whom he knew had these abilities? Was he figuring in the battle between the Darkman and Guye the entire time, knowing that as he came closer to the day when he was going to kill Galano there was more activity between those two forces and figuring that maybe he should have a connection to them?

[brosedshield.livejournal.com]

Aaaand, because I'm STILL too wordy...

This bit is actually from the last chapter because I never got enough focus to actually put it THERE.

About Colin’s Colm name, I also am not sure how Colm protects him, BUT I feel that it’s an intriguing prospect, that Colin, the normal face, the outside personality, is the strong one, the one that takes charge, that makes plans, that smiles and tricks people and forges and succeeds and negotiates and is a person with control and a voice in the world.

But sometimes a person (especially a relatively weak one at the mercy of guards and inmates in a level 3 prison; whose girlfriend can leave and he can’t follow because, again, prison; whose girlfriend is dead because she found an old enemy, because she ran into evil; who can’t get a job, can’t survive because of prison, and because Joseph would know if he was turning back to his criminal ways) cannot control their own life and destiny, doesn’t have a place to turn, can’t continue to control. Colin, because he’s survived so long wheeling and dealing and knifing other people (metaphorically? I hope) if necessary can’t deal with it, really, when he’s completely vulnerable. And that’s when he turns to his first name, the name that accepts. Thus it is Colm that can be sick, and not go crazy from the uncertainty; can be devastated by grief and grieve and move on; and can actually beg for help from someone that he has no right to expect help from, nor leverage to achieve it. Colm is ABLE to be vulnerable, which Colin is not. Hmmmm, which it would makes sense then, when Colin can’t touch Galano, that he would turn to Colm while he is waiting, otherwise he might go insane.

Would he also turn to Colm during those times when it is heavily implied he was molested in prison? Was it Colm or Colin that stabbed the guard in the end?

And, as it was Colm who called Joseph, after Grace died, was the PLAN TO KILL GALANO already in place? And thus Colm can also manipulate, or has a better connection to the mystical…Or was Galano not in prison yet…did Colin not know how Grace had died/disappeared yet and was still just reeling from the loss…

Question overload in my brain…but this is SO EXCITING.

Wow, slightly (hopefully only slightly) incoherent and very long. Clearly, I have a lot of questions, but this finale makes SO MANY THINGS SO FASCINATING TO CONSIDER.

Also, the second shadow is ‘gone’ according to Analise, but it was still there in prison…so it’s really just hidden…

[copperbadge.livejournal.com]

Hiya! This is such a late reply, and I'm not going to go into detail because I'm trying to absorb and work through all the commentary, but I wanted to say thanks for the comments -- I'm definitely taking notes on stuff, and that wasn't incoherent at all :) Thank you!

[elainasaunt.livejournal.com]

OK, the one time, really the only time, I began to feel lost and confused in this tale was the stuff about Grace and why Colin is actually in Railburg. Did he engineer the money-laundering investigation, or just use it, or was all that something the others read into his actions?

Otherwise, I continued to enjoy this, and I look forward to the next version.

[samard.livejournal.com]

"Ain't your plan," Laney said suddenly, and Galano turned to him again.

"Shut your mouth -- "

"Ain't your plan," Laney repeated, like the whole thing was dawning on him. He was watching the riders moving in the shadows. "Darkman, he made you do this. Ain't your plan. Darkman told you. What, he get tired of eating kiddies?"

I love Laney! Look at him being all brilliant and figuring things out!

He looked down briefly the door, lying on its edge

...at the door...

It's kind of...gruesome. Though in a good way(which sounds rather disturbing now that I think about it)

Reading about Colin walking on the glass made my feet hurt in sympathy. Stepping on glass fucking hurts.

Brilliant story!

[jasmine-rosalee.livejournal.com]

:O They ripped off his shadow?! That's a little bit epic - how'd it work? Or is it a secret and no one can know?

I was a little bit... not confused, maybe more bemused, no that's not right either.. I was a little.. something... at Galano's shattering into salt and what not. Was he possessed or was it just part of his whole mojo, the way he can't be touched/things can pass through him? IDK, it just threw me a little but it wasn't anything too drastic and I can't deny it was very dramatic and effective!

I also really loved the twist. Didn't see it coming at all.

[jkivela.livejournal.com]

Nice action, easy to follow, even with the semi-impossible things that happened. Of course I'd like a bit more explanation of it all, like how it works in such, but I'm actually OK with not knowing. It feels fine for me to just think on it myself.

Great job, off to the epilogue...

[minkrose]

This made no sense to me:
Colin struggled harder and finally one of the shards danced into his fingers; he brought it down in a slash, cutting the bed open, and threw his body sideways, tumbling to the ground.

cutting the bed open? I thought the orderly bound his legs. How did he break this magic??

too tired for any other comments atm, but had to find out what happened!

[kayleigh-jane.livejournal.com]

Small continuity error: The last sentence of chapter eight says that the infirmary doors are open; in chapter nine, Joseph slams the door off the hinges.

No further comments at all, I think the story is awesome!

The end *tear*

[(Anonymous)]

Awesome story as usual, Sam. My only thing with this chapter is that you've been building up a fear of the Darkman's riders and Guye's soldiers but in this chapter it's like "Oh yeah, they're off fighting in the background somewhere." I'd have liked to see more of their fight and how that affected the fight between the prisoners.

So where does this story go from here? Obviously you have a lot of suggestions to deal with, but how will this go from here to book?

Re: The end *tear*

[copperbadge.livejournal.com]

That is a good and interesting suggestion, I'm putting it in my notes!

From here, I rewrite the story, paying attention to both specific and general notes. Then I'll repost it for those who want to do a second pass, and once that's done I'll do a final tweak-and-polish before I typeset it and upload it to Lulu :)

[neveralarch]

I got a little confused during the fight scene - it mostly flowed well, but about halfway through I lost track of everyone except Joseph and Galano. I had to read over again twice to figure out where Colin, Laney, and Gutierrez were.

I also was a bit lost about the Grace backstory - particularly whether this was the truth or if Colin was just feeding the other inmates a line to keep them from figuring out the investigation.

I do like Joseph taking charge toward the end, though, that was very welldone and natural.

[sorrelchestnut.livejournal.com]

You know, with the big battle at the end working in the Guye and the Darkman so much, I wondered, was Joseph's second shadow related to the Guye somehow? The fact that it showed up once he became a guard implies that his shade was heavily tied into prison mojo (I love the term mojo, by the way, it somehow gets across that idea of magic being something you do and also a state of being) but the war with the Darkman, and using Joseph's shadow to break Galano, made me think that maybe Joseph was possessed a little himself.

Or was his second shadow the other half of Colin/Colm's identity? That would jive with the line about the "priest who owned his shadow."

And yes, I do fully recognize that perhaps I'm not supposed to know, that that's part of the point. But I'm curious.

I think the final fight scene needs to be a smidge longer, though. It was nigh-impossible to keep track of what was happening and why and the revelations about Colin's plan and Grace and the Darkman's possession just came so thick and fast that none of it really made sense till the third read-through. I also felt almost none of Colin's emotions during the entire scene, which is particularly dissonant because it should be one of the most emotionally intense moments of the story, for Colin. The aftermath, his trustingly giving himself into Joseph's hands, that felt real. What came before didn't quite... connect, for me. It wasn't visceral enough. If that makes any sense at all.

I have to admit, too, that I went through a lot of this thinking that his relationship with Joseph and Annalise seemed particularly ill-defined in comparison to his relationships in prison, but the revelation of his master plan totally fixed that for me. If he was being Colin, scheming and planning and working the angles, the entire time he was in the relationship, then the sense of tiny bits of intimacy slipping through the cracks would fit. And at the end, when he gives them his true name, that feels like he's giving himself permission to be with them. It's a nice ending, quiet and sincere. I really enjoyed this story, and enjoyed how much it made me think, and I'm very much looking forward to the final version.

[copperbadge.livejournal.com]

LATE REPLY IS SO LATE :D But I did want to respond. Technically within the book Joseph's shadow isn't meant to be fully explained, but really in writing it, I wanted it to be the symbol of Joseph's power, something that could be guided for good or evil depending on the man who owned it.

I definitely need to work on the fight scene, I just SUCK at those so badly :D But I have a couple of ideas in that regard, at least.

[sorrelchestnut.livejournal.com]

the symbol of Joseph's power, something that could be guided for good or evil depending on the man who owned it.

Oh, that makes sense! And also explains why it shows up in particularly stressful situations, situations where he has to make choices. Hmm. I would maybe try to make that slightly clearer, though? Even if it's just a theory that Colin has, without ever explicitly confirming it, it would be nice to have at least some idea of the symbolism. Because it's great symbolism.

[copperbadge.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I've put a bit more about it in the earlier chapters -- it's visible much more strongly as something that happens when Joseph is in control of things.

[ceo-badwolfcorp.livejournal.com]

Things I loved about this chapter:
-Glass and salt and crystal. Incredibly vivid.
-The pacing. I was surprised to see this was the last chapter, but it didn't feel uncomfortably rushed or anything.
-Pretty much everyone--Analise and Laney and Joseph were my favorites here. :)

A couple of things in this chapter felt like they came out of nowhere to me (although they are gradually working more as I write, so it might just be me):
-Revenge!Colin. I'd guessed much earlier that Galano had killed Grace, and that that was why (or one of the main reasons) that Colin hated him so personally, but Colin orchestrating this whole thing for vengeance was not something I saw coming.
-Lackey!Galano-I love love love him being just an instrument of Darkman's plan, but I'm strangely worried about him losing agency for his own (shallow and egomaniacal) evilness, if that makes any sense. I wasn't really clear if he made some sort of deal with Darkman, or was unwillingly possessed by Darkman, or what.

This whole story is fantastic, though. I'm really excited already about what the rewrite will look like.

[double_take (from livejournal.com)]

Wow, I'm really behind on reading this! I hope my comments aren't annoyingly late...
Couple of tiny things:

"the glass that passed through him like a bullet" - I think this should be "the glass that had passed through him".

"He looked down briefly the door" - needs an 'at'.

Also, I think you mentioned in the last chapter that the lights in the infirmary automatically went out and 10pm but here you say that the lights went out at midnight (because of the power cut). Do you mean that the lights outside that shine into the room went out at midnight?

Finally I'm a little bit confused (but maybe it's just me) - Colin tipped off the police about the money laundering knowing that they would send him in under cover and he would have a chance to kill Galano?

[copperbadge.livejournal.com]

Wow, late reply is late, but I'm just working through the last of the Trace feedback now and wanted to say thanks -- fixed both of the typo-style errors and I'm looking into clarifying the whole "Galano-Grace Colin tipping off the police" thing. :D I appreciate the feedback!

[(Anonymous)]

Jenna here, having failed at posting between schoolwork, being sick, and, haha, marathonning White Collar. It was interesting to see the show after reading this! Analise is perhaps the most reminiscent of her original base, but I'm realizing I might have seen 'Keller' in here at some point (no idea on the chapter, sorry) and ohhhh, the ot3 makes so much more sense now. -epiphany-!

Two posts of crit this time:

The point was to do it.
'The point wasn't who did it: it just needed to be done.'

Laney had wandered over to one of the barred windows and was looking down, face impassive.
How can Colin see his face, or him wandering over?

Laney answered, one hand gripping the bars.
This, too. If you have Gutierrez 'answering in the darkness', and 'a sound of a chair scraping backwards', and it's been described as 'pitch dark', either there needs to be a little moonlight filtering in as their eyes dilate, or there needs to be no descriptors other than sounds.

"This is nice," said a third voice, and Colin widened his eyes, for all the good it would do him.
Not crit: I literally jumped, my first readthrough of this chapter, and this time I still got a bolt through my stomach. omg.

Now we could be civilized about this; we ain't in the same block.
I read this wanting it to be 'Now, we could've been civilized', since at this point the outcome - the fight - is pretty certain, even if the winner isn't necessarily.

Galano could put the power to use -- but only because it was that or surrender to it completely, and Galano didn't want to starve to death.
This confused me. From what I understand, this is saying 'Galano could deliberately use his power -- that, or have it use him...' but then I don't get the starving? Is this saying that there's no third option for him, 'don't use the power', and that if he lets it use him all the food will be inedible all the time? I'm sorry if I'm missing something obvious D:

All of which made it the perfect taunt.
The taunt is his lack of control? If you clarified the previous line, I think this would also be clarified without doing anything to this itself.

The room was already cast in shadow, but now they were moving, bodies forming in the darkness,
'it' instead of 'they', I think.

Galano looked at him, grinning, and took a step closer to the bed. "And why do you care, Colin?
Not just the grinning, but I feel like there should be some transition between him roaring at Laney and this. Further: Colin's been called 'Byrne' or 'Suicide' or 'Cat' almost every time he's spoken to in prison, as far as I can remember, and he always refers to Galano as 'Galano'. For Galano to use his first name here this casually seems odd.

he asked, then continued before Colin could answer -- but his mouth was too dry to answer anyway.
Sort of awkward. It might sound better as, 'he asked, then continued before he could be answered. Colin didn't even try: his mouth was too dry to answer anyway.'

Truth is, I picked her up and when I didn't need her anymore, I dropped her.
This sort of runs together in my head; it might be that I'm reading too fast, but every time I hit this line I have to read it twice. Maybe add a dash after 'I picked her up'?

"Lied," Colin admitted. "Tipped off the police about the case once I knew it was him, so they'd send me here. I knew they'd send me back. Took a while to figure it out, or I'd have paid a call sooner," he added to Galano.
Wait. Is he talking about the case that put Galano behind bars? Or is he saying he's the anonymous tip on the money laundering? Because the first one doesn't make sense (in terms of the timing, and the first couple of chapters' worth of action, and he... didn't lie about his hand in that.) and the second one needs a but more explanation (Colin 'knew it was him'?) because right now it's... pretty confusing. That might just be me - I haven't read anyone else's comments on this chapter - so take it as you will.

"to get out of bed and face me like a man and we'll see if you're capable of killing too."
Run-on where I don't think you need one. Comma after 'face me like a man', perhaps.

[(Anonymous)]

"You mess with one of us, you screw with all of us."
Either 'mess' both times, or 'screw' both times.

"Si, mijo," Gutierrez answered.
Good on Gutierrez, but I have no idea how he knew to speak Spanish short of telepathy. Colin's secret message being in Spanish would work even without Gutierrez's being in it; that, or have something in his original question be in Spanish, though I'm not sure how or what.

he brought it down in a slash, cutting the bed open, and threw his body sideways, tumbling to the ground.
I... I have no idea what the action is here. He cuts the bed open, okay - the side of the bed? How does this release the orderly's bindings? I am confus ;_;

some of Guye's soldiers had joined the fight and were holding back the riders, if only just
The 'newly aggressive' riders, perhaps, since the last time we saw them they were giving Galano and Joseph a wide berth.

Colin yelled "Gutierrez!" and shoved Joseph's shadow into one open, grasping hand while Laney struggled with Galano. Joseph stiffened and his whole body jerked when the shadow separated; Gutierrez grasped it and pulled it up to Galano's face.
I think that the 'Joseph stiffened' bit should be the first thing in this paragraph, since that action should happen right as Colin pulls it away, while Gutierrez's action happens a second or two later. The rest of the action here is a little bit awkward, but it's all clear otherwise.

Joseph bent to help him up and Gutierrez raised a hand, thrusting the shadow straight into Joseph's chest. His hand went in up to the wrist before he pulled it back.
This, however, is sort of unclear. Did he do it with the intention of returning his shade? Or was he putting up a hand to repel Joseph, an instinctive motion, with the hand that happened to still contain the shadow? Either way, I think there should be an adverb on 'pulled it back', because Gutierrez is already freaking out and now he's got his hand in another guy's chest, omg.

Joseph shook as Colin wrapped an arm around his chest and held tightly, murmuring apologies and soothing nonsense until the wracking coughs had passed.
In my head, Joseph went to his knees with his back to Colin, meaning that Colin would have had a much easier time putting his arm around Joseph's back. Dunno, though.

"Shut uuuuup," Laney groaned, burying his face in a pillow. They must have him on something good.
I lol'd :D

The lines on his face were deeper than usual; he seemed about twenty years older, but he stopped at Gutierrez's bed and spoke softly with him before coming around to Colin.
Instead of the semicolon, maybe 'comma and'?

after he spat it out he lowered his palms and studied the little origami crane he'd coughed up.
I am pretty certain I'm just missing something, but what?

She sat on the edge of the bed while he blew on the surface of the tea to cool it, sipping cautiously.
Given that this might be the first human food he's had since he left the world for Railburg, I think that sip of tea deserves some small reaction or note.

"My name's not Colin," he said eventually, lifting one of her hands and tracing his bandaged thumb along her palm. "I mean -- my mother named me Colm. You need to know and tell Joseph. Colm. C-O-L-M."
For this to have the impact I think you want it to have, the Colm Thing should probably have been introduced earlier than it was, and then mentioned once or twice. This is nice, but it doesn't have much weight behind it.

"Goodbye, Grace," he murmured, closing his eyes.
'and closed his eyes' sounds better, I think. Beyond that: I'm not sure how this sits with me, that the punchline of the novel turns out to be Grace. There were way more hints about his rape, for example, and they carried more weight, than any mention of Grace or her importance to him. There was pain, but you succeeded too well in having Colin push it down and cover it up; for the end of the novel to be This Was About Grace, there needs to be more of her in the text.

[matt_doyle]

I love this story and almost everything about it, but as people seem to be saying, I think this chapter is the weak point -- the fight is too brief, too confusing, and doesn't tie in all the different components up to this point well enough (Noel, Guye's soldiers, etc.). That said, what is here is very well written -- I think there just needs to be a lot more flesh on the bones of this chapter. My biggest confusion is what the magical mechanism or impetus of Galano turning to salt was -- it reads to me as though it just sort of happened.

Overall, a really fantastic story, and I have never even had the premise of White Collar explained to me, so I'd say it has translated to original fiction very well.

[oconel]

It's been a while since you posted this story, but I hope you don't mind getting feedback so late.

I haven't watched White Collar but I liked the characters (and I'm going to check the Wikipedia to see what the show's about). I liked the relationship between Anelise, Joseph and Colin (random, I pictured him a bit as Colin Morgan in Parked), but I would have liked a bit more of it: I know why they ended up being lovers but I would like a bit more of how? I sort of understand why Joseph took Colin home, but I'd like more of what Anelise thought and how their relationship developed.

I think that overall you did a good job at keeping the story interesting even though the reader discovers in a non-linear form what is going on (at some points it is a bit confusing, but most of the times, it works).

Question, what was the reason Anelise sent Colin the twine?

I think the end doesn't quite work, I would have liked a bit more of interaction between Anelise, Colin and Joseph because I feel like they need to talk about what happened in prison, and even if Colin is trying to avoid it, it feels like there's something missing there. Maybe it's because I love the interactions between the three of them (even if we get very few), it's slightly strange that Anelise and Colin have a conversation in the end but Joseph is somehow excluded.

I liked that Colin is not telling the truth to Joseph about why he accepted to go undercover. I think it adds an interesting touch to the character.

I also feel there's something missing about the Darkman and Guye's soldiers, I guess Galano was calling them, but since we don't really know about his magic (or how it works for any of them), I feel there was something missing there too. Sorry about not being able to be more specific.

"Mi amante viene de prisa."
It should be "deprisa" just one word. This sentence sounds a bit weird to my native ears, but it makes sense, since Colin isn't a native Spanish speaker (as far as we know) Overall you've done a good work with the Spanish in the book (I love the choice of "La Mugre" as a gang name!) because that's the only flaw I've seen (and I've not only seen bad Spanish in published books in English, I've seen it in books with awards).

Anyway, a very good story. I was hooked up from the beginning even though I didn't really know what was going on and who the characters were. You did a great job at delivering hints here and there and maintaining the reader's attention. I'm sure reading the final version of this.

[copperbadge.livejournal.com]

I know you commented AGES ago but I'm just now getting through the last of the feedback and wanted to say thank you -- I'm definitely chewing over what you've said :) Some things I hope have been fixed in the new draft, but it's all grist for the mill. And the Spanish fix is especially appreciated (I can't take credit for La Mugre -- that's an actual Mexican-American east coast gang).

Anyway, thanks again. I appreciate it!